Practical Pisces

'Tis the Season

2011-11-19T18:51:00.004-06:00

It is becoming a new Christmas tradition for my family that Santa cannot deliver. I foolishly thought that this holiday season would be different as I was lucky enough to preorder one of this year’s so-called “hot items” more than two months before Christmas. Apparently, this was a false sense of hope because the “inability to fulfill your order” email came this week. So I called Toys-R-Us and talked to one of their non-helpful, unconcerned representatives. He offered me 10% off and free shipping on my next purchase, but no solution as to how one can go about obtaining an item that was ordered two months in advance now that Toys-R-Us has written off said order. What he did tell me was that Toys-R-Us is obligated to fulfill individual store orders so that those stores have their promised stock, but failed to see my point about people that are poaching these items from stores to resell them for profit… the same toy that my child should be opening Christmas morning.

A few weeks ago, I came by a hard to find toy while shopping and snagged it to put under my Christmas tree. There were four more of this toy at the store and I thought about purchasing all of them, but not for the purpose of resale. I wanted to save these toys from the miserable greedy misers that take them away from children to turn a buck. Not only has Toys-R-Us not held up their end of our sale, but their policy of delivering to their stores first enables resellers to make such items both unattainable and unaffordable to the average family. Personally, I think the idea of waiting in-lines for stores to open in hopes of hunting down that elusive gift is a bit insane but, if you’re willing to go to those lengths for your child, kudos to you. The point that I am trying to make is that, if people with no intention of keeping that special gift weren’t snatching them up to make a profit, it could save a lot of Santa’s helpers hours in the cold.

Foresight

2011-07-15T09:42:00.021-05:00

Just when I was patting myself on the back for not having any recent yelling episodes or freak outs, less than 24 hours later, I have a full blown meltdown. Serves me right for feeling good about myself. A huge part of my tantrum was the fact that I am dieting *again* and, even though I don't look like it, I am starving. to. death. See that cruise countdown ticker over there? =========>>> I have exactly that much time to lose a bazillion pounds and, despite losing 5 pounds over the past few days, I'm still a far cry from duck-facing-it for the world. I'm also crabby as all get out from the lack of sugar and fat and carbs that my body is used to functioning on.

Anyway, a series of events took place yesterday that lead to me totally losing my schmidt in the front yard of our home minutes before the family had planned to head in for the night. There was yelling and spanking. Neighboring children were scolded and sent home... possibly forever. There were also witnesses and I am probably now branded as the-crazy-lady-on-the-corner. The kicker to the whole stupid, spiraling day is that my meltdown could have been prevented and I even tried to prevent it, but I was overruled and so, chaos ensued. In other words... I told him so.

Now, let's talk about a little something called foresight. My life is ruled by it. I think everything out five steps ahead, two weeks (months) in advance, no present decision is made without thinking of the possible future consequences. I don't like unpleasant surprises and so I feel better knowing what could happen if I make decision x, y, or z. And yes, I do realize to some people, this is the real reason as to why I should be labeled the-crazy-lady-on-the-corner.

In fact, Husband happens to be a subscriber to this particular theory on my insanity. He does not drink my particular brand of kool-aid opting to sip his own fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants-and-deal-with-the-consequences-later variety instead. Every once in awhile, perhaps in an attempt to "cure the crazy", he pours me a big, full cup of his approach. Every once in a greater while, I reluctantly give in and drink. And last night was an example of me spitting that shit out all over our front yard.

Question:

2011-06-11T17:22:00.003-05:00

You buy your significant other a gift. Years later, he wants to get rid of said gift claiming it never gets used. In truth, it gets used about once a year so you ask that it be kept for those rare times that the item has purpose. Here's the question...

Should you (read *I*) feel guilty when significant other has to go out and buy a replacement for the item that he threw away even though you (*I*) asked that it be kept for sporadic usage because, as it turns out, today is that rare occasion that the item is needed?

I think the answer here is clear, but the stomach ache I've given myself because I feel bad that he went out and spent money on something we only use once a year is betraying my conviction.

A Start to Summer

2011-05-31T09:40:00.005-05:00

My poor kiddos. I think it is just awful that I had to put them on that big, yellow bus this morning after spending the last three days giving them a glimpse into how fun this summer is going to be. I'm pretty sure the school year was done before Memorial Day weekend last year. I remember thinking how fantastic it was that school was done and summer could officially start on all levels. None of this taunting and teasing nonsense of having SIX MORE DAYS!!!

Anyway, this past weekend was awesome. Beyond awesome really... it might have just been the best Memorial Day weekend I have ever had. At the very least, it is in my top two. Husband and I once went camping with a handful of other couples when we were dating and it was one of the most fun times we have ever had. So that long ago memory is definitely a contender for the title of My Best Memorial Day Weekend Ever. What was so great about the past three days was that we kind of flew by the seat of out pants, which I rarely do. I am a planner at heart and I did have my plan laid for this holiday weekend but, of course, the weather didn't cooperate and we had to improvise.

We were supposed to spend Saturday camping with friends overnight in our tent until late Sunday morning. I was also going to take the kids to the zoo on Monday since Husband had to work. It was a simple plan that left us lots of wiggle room to get other things done around the house like laundry and yard work on Sunday afternoon. But when we woke up Saturday morning and looked at the weather forecast, all of that went out the window. Memorial Day weekend in northern Indiana is synonymous with miserable, cold rain if you didn't already know. Saturday was that day this past weekend. We rescheduled the campground for Sunday when the forecast looked a little more tolerable and headed out to the movie theater to see Rio. We will forever remember to keep "movie theater outing" in our back pocket of "things to occupy the kids" when Memorial Day weekend weather inevitably sucks.

After the movie, we came home and played Monopoly because when the hell else are we going to have time to play a three hour game except on a day that we were supposed to do something else and couldn't. We had also opened a new video game the night before that had a bunch of family games on it like Life, Clue, and Mouse Trap, so we played a few of those games as well. The kids and I are completely addicted to playing Life and 8yr-old-boy is begging us to get him the *real* board version. I'm also planning on picking up the board version of Clue because the kids like the concept and collecting the clues on the video game, but it just isn't as good as the board version. Family movie/game day concluded with me pitching a tent in the toy room after we got home from church because the kids had really been looking forward to sleeping in a tent and I didn't want them to miss out on it completely because of the rain.

Sunday, we loaded up kids and car and headed for the campground to spend the day with our friends. It was overcast, but warm and we hit the pool as soon as lunch was over. The water was a little chilly, but the kids didn't care and they played and swam for awhile. We went for a golf cart ride through the campground next and decided that the beach looked like something fun for the kids to do so we grabbed buckets and shovels and went back to the beach to let them do their thing. They were having a grand old time digging and rolling and burying when all of a sudden everyone started fleeing the beach like a shark had been spotted in the tiny lake.

We didn't know what was happening. I asked a man not far from us what was going on and he simply said, "Tornado". Umm, what? The sky was clear and not really even overcast anymore. It didn't make sense, but we loaded the kids up and headed back to the campsite to figure out what was going on. The ride back was noticeably cooler, the temperature was dropping and the wind was picking up a bit, but the sky was still clear. Once we were back at the camper, we found out that there had been a touch down 40 miles west of us and we were in the storms path. Thank you once again Memorial Day weekend for being the ambassador of terrible weather.

So we waited. We waited for about 30 minutes at the campsite until the sky turned black and the wind began to whip dead leaves and grass. We spent the next half hour sheltered in a bathhouse with forty other people while the storm dumped a crazy amount of rain and snapped a few tree branches outside. And then the rain and wind were gone and we resumed our previously scheduled camping shenanigans. I drank too much, the kids got filthy (I do not expect to ever be forgiven for the state of that bathroom after I hosed them down), we stayed too late, 4yr-old-boy snored the whole way home, I collapsed into bed once we were home, Husband unloaded kids and car and went to work on not enough sleep the next day. It was a perfect day.

The crazy weather continued and Monday's temperatures soared to 95+ degrees. No way was I going to spend the day sweltering at the zoo. There is only one place to go and bake on a day that hot.... I packed a lunch, grabbed the sand toys, and the kids and I headed to the beach. And so did every other family in the county. It took me 90 minutes, one scary car stall and a resulting service light, to creep the two miles into the state park beach. I have never seen my kids behave so well. Ever. They were hot and antsy and held their stuff together so Mommy could maintain hers. Thank you, babies, for not pushing me over the edge while the stupid dashboard light terrorized me that last mile.

We ate, we played, we basked, we froze our patooties off in the frigid Lake Michigan waters. I took a bazillion photos to document the frolicking and sand writhing that Husband missed. We stayed until dinner time when I knew Husband would be on his way home from work and could come rescue us when my car decided not to start in the parking lot. But it did start and the service light had disappeared, so we drove home happy and content in wet swimsuits with sand between our toes and everywhere else, glowing from all of the sun that we had soaked up (or an entire bottle of greasy sunscreen) with baggies full of sand and rocks that the kids simply had to bring home. It was wonderful.

I just realized that neither of my top two Memorial Day weekends were planned. All of those years ago, when Husband (then Boyfriend) and I went camping, he called me the morning of to see if I wanted to go. It just goes to show that sometimes letting things unfold in there own way can result in some pretty fantastic times and memories. I will never forget that weekend more than a decade ago and I know my kids will remember fun at the beach, the 5 gallon container of cheese balls, and the almost tornado. Raising my kids is what has taught me that sometimes I need to let go and just roll with whatever is going to happen. When you're the mom of three, there's not much else you can do.

Random Ranting

2011-05-20T06:39:00.002-05:00

Really? 6:20am seemed like the perfect time to slam the laundry room door and proceed to "work on" the hot water heater? When I finally yelled for you to stop, you actually did, but then promptly disappeared. An apology would have been nice. Letting me sleep that precious extra 30 minutes until my alarm was scheduled to go off would have been even better!

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You see that vacation ticker over there in the top, right-hand corner? That, my friends, is the countdown to impending doom. What? How can a forthcoming Disney cruise be seen as anything but the long awaited answer to our family vacation dreams? Because each 24 hours that creeps by is one less day that I have to lose enough weight so I won't spend the entire vacation sporting a moo-moo. *sigh*

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Thank you for doing a half-ass job of helping 4yr-old-boy wipe after his morning poop (pun intended). It resulted in him digging at his butt through most of his preschool certificate ceremony. Glad I was there to field that embarrassment on my own and that some twenty odd parents have it caught on video.

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I really enjoy your status updates about how all of you got together over the weekend and didn't bother telling me. I was the only one not there. Are you that stupid and didn't realize I would read it? Are you trying to bait me into unfriending the whole lot of you? Or am I simply being to sensitive for my own damn good and shouldn't let this hurt my feelings?

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Updates

2011-05-17T09:31:00.012-05:00

It always makes me sad when I come back to this blog and see that my last post date was weeks (or even months) ago. I don't mean to neglect this little corner that I have claimed for myself, but I find it hard to post on a regular basis... mostly because I have become accustomed to censoring a lot of what I allow myself to write so I don't come across as whiny, negative, or ungrateful. The thing is, I am whiny, negative, and ungrateful. I like to think I posses a few redeeming qualities as well, but I do harbor more than my fair share of pessimistic thoughts and feelings...a lot of the time. I started blogging as a means of getting all of the garbage out of my heart and head so I had only the best of me left to give to the people I interact with on a daily basis. Somewhere along the way, I started fearing that I was going to sound like a raving bitch if I used my blog for its intended purpose. You see, I want to be liked and I care deeply when I'm not despite my own inability to tolerate, let alone like most people.

Anyway, I suck at blogging because I haven't allowed myself to actually do it the way I set out to. I wanted this to be more of a journal of my emotions... a diary... since I knew that I would never keep up with a written one. I didn't start writing this to gush about how fantastic my life, kids, husband, blah, blah, blah are. I began posting here to vent because I need to vent, to purge, to get the bad, negative junk out of me. I have social anxiety issues. Compound that with how appalling I find the lack of social etiquette of most people. I am a ticking time bomb waiting to go off on the stupidity, carelessness, and selfishness of others... and then I lack the ability to cope with the fall out once I do flip my lid. I also happen to believe that it is thoughtless, careless and rude to go around berating stupid people for being stupid so I obviously need some other release to get it all off my chest. This was supposed to be that release.

It was also never my intention to write nothing but angsty, whiny, drama laden posts as I actually do have a fantastic life, kids, husband, blah, blah, blah to gush about and be grateful for. I love sharing the beautiful insanity that is our life together but, somewhere along the way, I started to feel like I had to post nothing but sunshine and fluff or else be perceived as dark and troubled. I mean sure, part of me is dark and troubled; I can own that. I just don't want to be defined by that one facet of myself. All that being said, I want to get back to what this blog was supposed to be... my outlet. Mine. It is not a place for the judgement of others. It is not a place to be challenged by anyone but me. If you can't manage those two things in your reading, then you don't need to be here and what I share here is not for you.

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Now that we've discussed the direction and purpose of future posts here, I have an update on my bird nest post from three weeks ago... some fluff and sunshine, if you will.

I still think this bird is either a first time mama/nest builder or the personification of the phrase 'bird brain'. She insisted on her nest remaining in our front porch light, managed to build quite a sturdy one at that, and now there are little baby birds in there. How do I know there are little baby birds in there? Because yesterday, as Husband entered through the front door, Mama Bird took off in a frenzy like she always does and knocked one of her babies out of the nest causing it to fall a good three or four feet to the ledge below. We waited about half an hour to see if she would try to retrieve her fallen baby, but she did not. Husband went out, armed with a piece of paper, and scooped the little baby up and back into the nest. It opened its mouth looking for food at Husband's touch and I was relieved that it didn't die in the 30 minutes spent out of the nest. I've checked back a couple of times and there are no abandoned babies beneath Mama Bird's perch so I am hopeful that the baby was returned successfully.

The front door of our house is now off limits so we are entering and exiting through the garage. Packages and visitors, once met with enthusiasm, are now feared with the threat of Crazy Mama Bird and her flights of frenzy. I wonder how long it takes a baby robin to fly. I think I need to do a little research into exactly how long the main entry of our house is going to be out of commission in what could be seen as a ridiculous attempt to protect our as-of-yet featherless little friends from getting an early boot. Why am I getting a tad 'one flew over the cuckoo's nest' over this family of robins? Because my kids want nothing more than for these babies to survive. Mama Bird picked our light and now we all feel some bizarre duty to do our best to keep her babies safe. Yesterday, after I told the kids of their dad's heroic rescue, 8yr-old-boy made this journal entry, "Today, I am grateful for the baby bird."

Persistence

2011-04-23T11:05:00.007-05:00

I'm starting to feel guilty for wanting this poor bird to rebuild. Three days in a row the wind and rain have taken out her creation, yet she keeps coming back to fix the damage and add more. It was completely gone yesterday and we even swept the remnants off the front porch assuming she would give up, but she has been back at it all morning. This is the farthest she has gotten and the wind is picking up again as I type. Poor, dumb bird. I think she might be a first timer.

Part of me wants her to succeed. She has obviously got her heart set on sharing our view and coveted spot right on the bus stop, but I just don't see how a nest is going to stay balanced in that light even if the wind does let up and allow her to continue to make progress. I yelled at 8yr-old-boy when he came back for the third time in the 10 minutes since he had gone out to play that he can't keep using the front door if we want the bird to have any chance of getting a good structure laid. Yea, I might be a little to wrapped up in Momma Bird's project.

And what if she does manage to build something that will withstand that precarious building spot and the elements? Are we going to be under constant attack once she lays her eggs just trying to use the front door? Even worse, it seems the chances of a bird flying into the house when we do open the door are drastically increased. Guess if she doesn't give up and actually pulls it off, the least I can do is enforce a "through the garage" directive and restrict use of the front door until all babies have flown the coop... so to speak.

Because I am Worth It!

2011-04-18T12:25:00.035-05:00

I have been having a rough couple of weeks. The whole family has really. We spent five fantastic days over Spring Break in Wisconsin Dells where we had tons of water park fun, stayed in a beautiful condo, kept late hours, and slept in past 10:00am almost every day. It was bliss. Unfortunately, we couldn't make Wilderness Resort our permanent residence and we've all been struggling to get back into the swing of everyday, real life since we got back.

Spring sports have started up for the older two kids, they returned to testing at school, AWANA has ended for the year which is a very sad thing for all of them, and the weather has been taunting us... one day it is 70* then, a few days later, I'm digging in the crawlspace for the winter clothes that I found the motivation to switch out the week before. Everything seems to be one step forward, two steps back and I am just worn out.

I've turned to some old friends to help me through resulting in a 7 pound weight gain since we got home from vacation (I had actually lost weight while we were gone). The booze and binging haven't quite rounded out my self prescribed solution so I've been indulging in some retail therapy as well. I've spent the last hour online shopping for a Coach handbag. I haven't found one that I'm willing to fork over hundreds of dollars for yet but, if I do, I will... because I am worth it!

I have spent a significant amount of time over the years scoffing at women who spend money on pricey, designer items. "Why would anyone spend $400 on a purse? My $15 Walmart bag is just fine." "She spent how much on her wedding gown/prom dress/daughter's Easter outfit? That's just ridiculous. I bet their credit cards are totally maxed out." I think I have figured out why this sort of spending bothers me even though it has no baring on my life what so ever. It is because, throughout my life, I have not been made to feel or believe that I, too, am worthy of such things. I've always known that it wasn't the *things* that I was jealous of, but now I see it was the mindset that I coveted.

My father raised me to be practical about every decision in life which didn't lend well to following many of my dreams, but I managed to fulfill a few including marrying an even more practical man (Starting to understand the title of this blog?). I get why it is smart to save your pennies, live within your means, minimize your debt, and I would never condone spending $400 on that purse instead of paying your rent or buying groceries for your babies, but I've also come to realize that there is a point to the occasional extravagance beyond the quality of an item or the vanity or wastefulness of the purchaser. The belief that you are *worth* such a purchase is something that I have never known, it's the part I've never understood and, if I don't understand something, it bothers me.

So I have decided it is time that I stop waiting for someone else to gift me with the validation that I crave and I am going to buy myself something nice. Really nice, actually. Not only have I been shopping designer handbags, but I am also thinking of making an appointment at a local jeweler to see about having a custom piece made with the kids' birthstones. Whatever I decide on, it will be something that I purchase simply because I want it... not because it benefits someone else and not because it was deemed appropriate or necessary. I am tired of feeling like the only value I hold is that of a thrift store bargain. If a stupid purse or piece of jewelry is going to help me feel that I am worth more than the rollback discount, so be it.

The Buffer

2011-04-15T07:58:00.004-05:00

It has been requested that I write a new post. It is not for a lack of things to say or, more accurately, bitch about that I have been MIA (because, Lord knows, I am a rambling machine with a wealth of annoyance). This always happens when my last post was sad or depressing and... raw. It is hard for me to bounce back from one of those. Usually, I try to mask my bipolar tendencies and the roller coaster ride that I call my life. To jump right back in with a post about our fabulous Spring Break trip seemed like it would showcase those idiosyncrasies rather than hide them. And it made me feel like I was painting myself as both depressing and cranky if I wrote about any one of the infinite number of idiots surrounding me rather than write the happy family post.

I like to write, to entertain, to amuse. But, in order to do so, I have to ignore the fact that I am displaying my inner workings... the good, the bad, and the incredibly snarky. When I write something from the gut that highlights the flaws and the chaos inside my head and heart, I tend to curl up in a corner and lay low for awhile until I can compose myself again. I truly envision myself as the monster behind the mask. I see a post like my last one as me removing the mask and letting the monster that lives behind out to have her say for a moment before I hide her back away and press on.

Anyway, this explanation of my absence is meant as a sort of buffer. To be read as: We now return to our regularly scheduled programming. I hope in the coming weeks to write about where we have been, what we've been doing, and what lays ahead. It has been a kind of whirlwind of birthdays and vacationing and spring sports which has definitely eaten into the actual time I have had for blogging, but I seem to have found my footing again and the family has settled back into a rhythm (for now). So stay tuned, there is definitely more to come...

Death & Depression

2011-03-01T09:01:00.011-06:00

My sister-in-law lost her mother yesterday. She knew it was coming, but you can never be completely prepared to let go. My heart is breaking for her on so many levels right now and it is almost unbearable for me to know her heart is suffering such a tremendous loss. This is breaking me in unexpected ways and I cannot imagine how deep her pain... the weeks (years) ahead of learning to cope and say good-bye. Some of my own suppressed emotions have bubbled to the surface over the past couple of weeks and I am trying hard to keep some pretty rotten thoughts and feelings at bay. As I grieve with and for SIL, I'm also being extremely selfish and making things (internally) about me.

We were told a little over two weeks ago that SIL's mom would be passing soon as she had made the decision to go off of dialysis. It was about this time that I started thinking about my father and his failing health. My dad is not a good man. He's not a horrible monster by any means, but he really doesn't contribute anything substantial to anything in his life or that of anyone else. It doesn't seem fair that my SIL has lost her beloved mom while my dad, who won't really be missed by anyone, lingers on... frustrating everyone, feeling sorry for himself, mooching off society, torturing the various medical personnel that care for him. So my heart is not only breaking for SIL, but it is also heavy with the guilt of thinking, "Why couldn't it have been him?"

My mom is coming home for the funeral Friday. If apathetic describes my feelings towards my father, then, I would have to define my current feelings towards my mom as all out disdain. I am beyond angry that SIL lost one of the most important relationships she will ever have, that her mother's passing is such a grievous loss, and that I will never understand what exactly that feels like. I'm angry that my mother is incapable of being a comforting maternal figure for SIL to help her though this time. Mom will simply show up, fulfill her obligations, then head back to Florida until work starts again in 5 weeks to supply her with an excuse for being too busy for us all.

Somehow, in all of this, I am grieving... and raging. Grieving for SIL and her family. Grieving for the relationships I never had with my own parents. Raging over the unfairness of it all. Wishing that I could switch places with SIL and take her hurt away. Raging that it just wouldn't matter to me. How profoundly screwed up is that? I want to look my mother in the eyes and say, "You know I will never grieve for you this way. You never took the time to be anything that I would miss." I want to hurt her, leave her as empty as she has left me. I never will, though... she doesn't care enough to ever feel anything.

Stuck: Week 8

2011-02-27T19:12:00.005-06:00

I rocked the new diet in January and lost 21 pounds, but the scale has not budged much in February (I've stalled at the 25 pound mark). I have, however, made my way back to the gym so all is not lost. After the great debate as to where Husband and I should workout, I decided to stick with our current YMCA membership and make the best of what we already have. We have a family membership and I've been going on Saturdays with the kids so I can get a workout in and take them for the open swim. It really makes me feel like super mom!

It took me a bit to get back in the swing of exercising, but I have figured out both a routine that I can tolerate and a schedule that I'm pretty confident that I can stick with. For the longest time, I have been doing nothing but cardio and I've finally realized how much I hate cardio. I would go a few times and then give up because I loathed the idea of getting back on the treadmill. Over the past couple of weeks, I've discovered how much I enjoy strength training. I know the cardio workout is important so I've been doing 15 minutes on the treadmill before hitting the weight room for 45 minutes and then I finish up with 15 more minutes on the treadmill. It has made a world of difference only having to survive 15 minutes of cardio at a time. I actually get annoyed with having to let my muscles rest for two days before working out again.

I'm getting stronger. I'm lifting more weight in most areas, though my upper body is still so weak and I'm struggling to add any weight to my arm exercises. I've also increased my speed on the treadmill by .7 mph which is a huge accomplishment for me. Part of the reason I hate the cardio workouts so much is because I get winded so easily. My lung capacity is expanding, my heart is getting stronger, and I finally feel the results of quitting smoking for the first time in 7+ months. I've even forgotten my inhaler the last couple of times I've packed my gym bag because it simply isn't a necessity anymore.

I'm hoping to get it all together in the coming month. I know I can eat better and succeed at losing weight through dieting. I'm loving how my workouts are empowering me, and how accomplished I feel sticking with the new routine and pushing myself further than I've ever gone. I want to make up for the lost weeks of February in March... spring is just around the corner and summer will be here before I know it. I refuse to spend another summer uncomfortable in everything I wear. Truthfully, no matter what the season or what I've worn, nothing has ever sufficiently covered up the *me* that I so desperately try to hide. I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to be comfortable with who I am and I simply can't in this body that I currently occupy.

Drum Roll Please...

2011-02-19T15:08:00.002-06:00

I just got back from a killer workout at the gym followed by swimming with the kids. Before the insanity of a morning filled with trying to get everything done so we could head out the door, I tentatively stepped on the scale for my weekly weigh-in. I lost another pound. I posted last week that I would be happy just maintaining this week with Valentine's plans and the like, but I actually managed to lose that little bit more. I'm not thrilled with just a pound, but what this pound accomplishes is pretty awesome... I have officially lost 25 pounds since the first of the year. Technically 30 pounds if you count the five I gained a couple weeks back and had to lose again.

Milestones like this our real motivators for me. If I hadn't reached the 25 pound mark today, I think there is a good chance I would have bailed on my workout this morning and probably swimming since I wasn't already there to take the kids. Let's just hope that it doesn't take me four whole days to recuperate from this workout. I did the exact same workout on Valentine's Day and was too sore until today to attempt it again. Husband says it will get easier. I'm going to trust his expertise as I discovered this morning that, in the two years since we joined the 'Y', I have only used the weight room about a dozen times which renders me pretty much clueless in the realm of strength training. I want to use the weight room at least ten more times by the end of March so I can say that I've gone two dozen times in two years. Hey, once a month does not sound nearly as bad as every other month. That's the story I'm sticking with anyway.

VD at the Gym

2011-02-16T07:56:00.013-06:00

Get your head out of the gutter! There is no personal trainer at our local YMCA spreading disease. Sorry to disappoint if you were hoping for a juicy scandal...

Husband and I celebrated Valentine's Day a day late this year because our kids had obligations on the actual day and, well, duty called. So we scheduled the in-laws to babysit the following day. They descended on our house yesterday a few minutes before preschool let out which allowed us to make our escape right after I threw a quick lunch together for 3yr-old-boy.

There had been much debate about what we were going to do and where we were going to go during our four hour hiatus. All of the indecisiveness stemmed from the "great gym debate" that I mentioned in my last post. For two years, I have longed to join the *other* YMCA. When we first joined our YMCA, the other one was in the process of being built. Since construction ended, I have drooled and pined over the magnificence of this brand new facility. Everything about it is bigger and better... including the cost.

The other 'Y' is further away from us and costs $18 more a month. Swim lessons for the kids cost more for half the amount of classes that our current 'Y' offers. So, as much as I would love to attend the *free* cycling classes and not be charged above the cost of my membership like our current location, and as much as I would love to drop my kids in the beautiful new child care areas or youth gym while I workout, I will never be able to justify the added expense. The whole situation turns me into a spoiled brat and I kind of freaked out about it right before our date yesterday.

The plan was to checkout the *other* YMCA again to see if it is as wonderful as I remember from the last time we checked it out. I then realized that it probably *is* just as fabulous as I remember it, but that I was going to draw the exact same conclusion as last time... that it is not worth the extra drive and cost... and I was going to end up just as disappointed as I was the last time we went. Probably not the mood I wanted to set for my Valentine's outing with Husband. So I stomped my feet, threw a tantrum, and moved on.

Instead of visiting the oh-so-perfect-too-far-away-too-expensive other 'Y', we went to our current does-the-job-but-man-it-needs-a-remodel-and-free-cycle-classes 'Y'. I don't know if it was because I am angry that I simply can't justify what I want or if I was just determined to make use of what I have, but I pushed myself in that workout harder than I have ever pushed. I pushed myself until I thought I was going to puke and then pushed harder. I typically hate working out, but this time it felt good. Maybe I just haven't been working hard enough in the past and I've actually been bored. Yesterday was a challenge and I rocked it!

We followed up our workouts with lunch and we were good about our food choices. Husband had suggested my favorite restaurant, but I turned it down knowing that the reason it has been my favorite restaurant is because of one dish that I no longer have any business eating... ever again. The meal has got to easily be double my current daily calorie intake. We ended up at Applebee's because of the Weight Watcher selections and the new "under 550 calorie" menu options. Not the most romantic venue, but we were kid free and that is good enough in itself!

Just as a side note: If you know of any other restaurants that offer low calorie menu items and list the calorie content (I do not like guess work), please, let me know. I can eat the same thing over and over, but I think Husband will get sick of Applebee's after awhile. Variety, even if it is only one other option, would help.

Reporting In... Week 6

2011-02-13T00:17:00.007-06:00

It has been a crazy past few days and I have to be up for church in less than 7 hours, but I wanted to check-in before I call it a night. Saturdays are weigh-in around here and last week was as close to disaster as a dieter can get. I did pick myself up and carry on, though, and I am happy to say that, not only did I lose the 5 pounds I gained last week, but an additional three. Yep, 8 pounds this week... and that's with a Super Bowl party in the mix last weekend.

I'll be happy to maintain this week since Valentine's Day is Monday and Husband and I are going out. I also have a fridge full of leftover marinara sauce and bread sticks from the spaghetti dinner I helped with at our church last night. Mmm... bread sticks. Oh, and MIL had us over for dinner tonight and I did not restrain myself in. the. least. *sigh* I hate genetics.

I'll try to write more in the next couple of days. Husband and I are in the midst of the great gym debate. Stay where we are? Join something closer to home? Splurge on the fancy new facility further away? Screw all of the options and do work out DVDs at home (that one is more an option for me). I hate not knowing what decision to make almost as much as I hate my genes. *I think I might just be a little tired and cranky at this point* We'll talk more later. Night all!

Packing (On) the Meat

2011-02-05T11:26:00.005-06:00

Today is weigh-in day and, as much as I do not want to report in, I am going to hold myself accountable and report the effects of my falling off the wagon during the blizzard. I gained 5 (FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) pounds this week. *hangs head in shame* I think it might have been a combination of those damn peanut butter M&M cookies that I just had to bake in the midst of the snowy chaos outside and having to clear out the freezer for the big meat sale that our local grocery store holds once (sometimes twice) a year.

I spent this morning dividing up and packaging the bulk amounts of cow and pig that the man hauled in from his grocery store adventures. Husband spent two hours waiting in line to have everything sliced by the butcher. As depressed as I was to see the number on the scale this morning, I did take some comfort from the slabs of ribs and steaks and pork chops in front of me. Just one package weighed 13 pounds. I'm still down 3 pounds more than that and the package was both big and heavy. As absurd as it is, knowing that I have rid my body of such a hunk of meat made me feel better.

I made it to the gym yesterday in an attempt to undo the sins I committed during Snowmageddon 2011. I even convinced Husband to join me which is the total opposite of what usually transpires with him trying to get me to go with him. He was super thankful as he had "one of the best workouts ever". Good for you, Punk. I, on the other hand, thought I was going to die right there on that treadmill.

I pushed myself and didn't give in after 10 minutes like I wanted to. Eventually, my muscles gave up their protest allowing me to go for over an hour. I increased my speed to the highest I've ever done once every joint in my body stopped screaming. It felt good to get back to it and I burned about 400 calories. I wonder if my body is in shock and refusing to let go of the weight thinking I am trying to commit suicide through exercise and what must feel like starvation after overdosing on cookies for two days. I guess we'll see what happens next week.

Is that Snow or Sugar?

2011-02-02T11:24:00.007-06:00

Blizzard = Baking = Peanut butter M&M cookies = Cathy is off the wagon.

But I helped the man shovel us out for the first time ever in our almost 9 years of marriage.

So I'm hoping I burned up some of those peanut-buttery, M&M-goodness calories.

Unfortunately, we're not going anywhere for awhile with all of this snow...

...and I still have 3 dozen cookies left. Help Me!

It's Been Four Weeks

2011-01-29T10:32:00.007-06:00

Four weeks ago today, I decided to change my horrible relationship with food. I'm not sure I've conquered the addiction as of yet; that will probably be a struggle for the rest of my life. There is, however, a good chance that I have a new addiction on the other end of the food obsession spectrum. I am addicted to playing the "game" of staying within my allotted calories while trying to maintain the proper carb/protein/fat ratios for the day.

This new addiction has driven me to do some crazy things. Like actually measuring out a serving of ice cream instead of just eating out of the carton and wondering where it all went 30 minutes later. Or the fact that I find myself cooking two meals in *one* evening... one for Husband and the kids and one for me. I loathe cooking. Don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty good cook. I just find no satisfaction in doing it. I think it's some bizarre manifestation of my terrible food habits. The things that I like to eat, the kids hate. So I end up cooking crap which just makes me feel like crap from eating it and for feeding garbage to my kids... constantly.

Through discovering how piss poor my own diet actually was (Did I ever eat any protein before this?), I have begun to make small changes in what my kids eat. I'm more conscious of making sure that every meal contains a source of protein served along side either a fruit or veggie. I feel better knowing that they are eating just a little bit better and that it's not all carbs all the time. I don't want them to grow up with the same weight/food struggles that I have battled all of my life.

The kids realize that most nights I eat different meals than they do. Sometimes they'll have a side of mac & cheese while I eat black beans, other nights our meals are completely different... last night I made them chicken parmesan with whole wheat pasta while I ate red potatoes with ground beef and salsa... and they get it. They understand that mom is "trying to get healthy". I have stressed the healthy part because I don't want them to obsess about their weight (or my weight) and I simply refuse to let the word "fat" become part of our everyday vocabulary just like the word "stupid" is a bad word in our house.

Anyway, these baby steps are making an impact not only on my life, but the lives of my whole family. My kids are eating healthier and are witnessing my efforts to overcome my food issues. I hope that, as time goes on, they will want to incorporate more of my new diet into their own... or that I will find the courage to implement the changes for them. It is already making a difference in my life. I weighed in this morning and I have lost another 3.5 pounds this week. That makes my total weight loss 21 pounds in four weeks. I have also shaved 3.7 off my BMI since the first of the year.

I feel good, I feel strong. I feel like I can do this not just short term, but for the long haul. I am sick and tired of yo-yoing 60+ pounds every couple of years. I am hoping that this can be a permanent change and that I have the same success that I did with last year's resolution to quit smoking. I recently reached the six month mark on that one and I honestly never thought I would kick that addiction. I guess anything is possible.

Guilt

2011-01-24T15:12:00.015-06:00

I am the type of person that is ruled, plagued, and defined by my guilt. At any given moment, there is something or someone somewhere that I feel I have let down or failed. I don't know why I am like this or what made me this way, but it is my greatest character flaw... or maybe the source of all my other flaws. No surprise, the number one guilt inducer in my life is my family.

I'll get to my immediate family in a moment... namely Husband since my guilt with the kids is typical mommy stuff. Right now, I want to focus on those other people that fall under the definition of "family". I am not a very good daughter. My parents weren't very good parents once they divorced and they are terrible, uninvolved grandparents. So let's just say I'm returning the favor. I still feel bad about my lack of interest in a relationship with either of them.

I have three siblings counting my two step-brothers. My sister and I have been battling it out ever since her birth just a short 22 months after my own appearance in the world. After nearly 30 years of the constant bickering in our on-again off-again relationship, I gave up. I have no desire to try and salvage something that has always been broken.

I used to be close with the youngest of my two older step-brothers. He actually walked me down the aisle at my wedding because I felt *guilty* asking my step-dad despite the fact that I did not want my dad giving me away. Then we had kids and our parenting styles were so opposite that we didn't know how to bridge the gap and didn't really care to be around the other's parenting (or lack there of) anymore. I don't know why I have such a low tolerance for people and I feel bad that I don't even want to try to fake it.

My in-laws are pretty OK. It has taken me over a decade to get to the point where I can say this honestly but Husband's family, for better or worse, are the only people besides my eldest step-brother and his family who consistently make an effort. I was not what MIL had in mind when she dreamed of her baby marrying someday, but she's no picnic either. We've learned to make the best of it for everyone else involved. Which brings me to Husband.

I love the man despite the fact that our marriage has exponentially increased my craziness. Husband is the type of person who constantly needs to be told what to do... and reminded five times so he doesn't forget... in every situation. He makes me cry then *I* have to tell him how to make me feel better which just ruins it because I had to tell him what to do. If I ask (or bark), he usually will help with whatever I need... unless he forgets first. I feel bad that I nag him the way that I do and that I use him to vent all of my frustrations. Even the ones that have nothing to do with him. Sometimes I just need someone to make whatever it is better without having to explain how to accomplish making that happen. A big part of our (my) problem is that I don't ask for the help that I need because I feel *guilty* doing so. He works, I stay home. I feel bad, like I'm not holding up my part of the bargain, if I ask him to help out more around the house.

I bit the bullet today and asked him to delay his workout to help me clean and, something magical happened, the house got cleaned and I didn't feel guilty! Poor Husband doesn't realize that the bathrooms are officially his domain from now on. I came to a very important conclusion after all of the cleaning supplies were stashed away again and he had left for the gym. I DO NOT NEED TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS. I support his job by caring for our kids while he is at work. I then get the benefit of shopping with his paycheck. In turn, he can support me in running this household by helping with the cleaning. He will then reap the benefit of not living in a pit. :)

All of the other chores are pretty evenly divided between the two of us. It was just in this one area... work vs. household... that things weren't right. I resented cleaning since, in all honesty, I do not make the majority of the mess. Today was exactly what I needed even if I did have to spell it out to Husband. He postponed something that he wanted to do so that he could help me with something that I really didn't want to do. It took some of the burden off of me and it made everything else that much easier to bare since I now carry a slightly smaller load... less guilt and fewer household tasks.

Ups & Downs

2011-01-23T18:38:00.004-06:00

Friday and Saturday were just emotionally bad days. I was crabby and feeling sorry for my fat self and being a spoiled sport in general. Today has been a really good day, which I desperately needed, and it has gone a long way towards lifting my spirits. Yesterday, I went on and on about how I want to be able to *do* things with my kids. Well, I stopped throwing myself a pity-party long enough to do exactly that this afternoon.

My neighbor friend asked if the kids and I wanted to join her and her son at a local roller skating rink for open skate today after church. I really did want to go since it sounded like so much fun but, of course, I grappled with all of the inner turmoil of "can I *do* this?". I hadn't attempted to skate in probably 20+ years and I wasn't very good at staying up then either. I sucked it up and agreed to go. I'm tired of passing up opportunities because I'm afraid. If I assume I can't, I will never know that I can. That's what I tell my kids anyway. What's the worst that could happen... I fall? Well, maybe all of this extra padding will be good for something.

So the older two kids and I went skating, and I did fall. Pretty hard actually, but my daughter was the only witness so it wasn't too terribly embarrassing. And you know what? My daughter found the courage to let go and skate on her own after that. I'd like to think that seeing me fall and get back up inspired her. My neighbor, on the other hand, decided that my daughter let go because she was afraid that I would take her down with me the next time. I have such wonderfully supportive friends. ;)

The point, regardless of the true motivation behind my daughter's success, is that we all got out there and gave it our best. I was up and skating for close to two hours. I was sweaty and more than a little sore when all was said and done. Not sore from wiping out, sore from the exertion. I didn't lose my breath at all, was never in need of my inhaler. When I got home, I decided to look online to see how many calories roller skating actually burns. I was shocked. Given my size and age, I burned roughly 1000 calories! I found a bunch of sites that all confirmed that I burned at least 1000 calories.

I'm so glad that my neighbor friend and I talked about trying to make this a regular outing for all of us. I just wanted to keep going because I had so much fun and the kids had a blast. Now I have the added incentive of knowing that I have actually found a fun workout. I didn't know there was such a thing! I am super pumped and I've regained my focus and motivation. Husband was even jealous of my workout (MY WORKOUT!!!) and said that he needs to start skating, too. This could become a real obsession. Maybe I can celebrate my first weight-loss goal with a pair of my very own roller skates... sparkly wheels and all!

Week 3 Weigh-In

2011-01-22T11:49:00.002-06:00

I lost another 2.5 pounds this week bringing my three week total to 17.5 pounds. My original goal for the month was 18 pounds but, since I have over a week left of January, I think I'm going to shoot for an even twenty. I'm also going to try my damnedest to drag my ass to the gym with Husband on Monday. He has lost 12 pounds so far this year and has already met is monthly goal. His results are motivating me to add the exercise I know I need as I have spent the last 3 weeks counting and weighing everything I eat while he has pretty much eaten anything he wants and just burned it off on the treadmill. To be fair, I have noticed him eating less carbs.

Secretly, I hate that Husband is losing weight. I am super happy for him and proud of his accomplishments thus far, but it does add some pressure on me. Are my efforts measuring up? Is his way better? I am also confronted with the guilt of "I should be going, too." every time he heads out the door to workout. Why doesn't he share the guilt as he shovels in bratwursts while I'm measuring out my sliver of cheese for the evening?

Bottom line, it's all fun and games when I'm playing the numbers game with myself but, add in the competition, and I become obsessed with the fact that I simply cannot hold my own against him. Despite being out of shape, he is and always has been an athlete. I have always been a lazy couch potato. As a kid, he played soccer and baseball. I was a Girl Scout who probably ate more cookies than I ever sold.

I had a minor meltdown the other night when Husband told me that he burned almost 700 calories running on the treadmill at the gym. I can't run. At all. I get myself to a fast walk and I'm huffing and puffing. I thought quitting smoking would greatly improve this, but it hasn't and that frustrates me to tears. I quit smoking so I could be healthier...as in walk and climb and jog without having to use an inhaler in order to catch my breath. Instead, I gained 25 pounds and still can't intensify my workouts because I end up choking and gasping and feeling like a total loser.

I hear so many people say that their workouts are "empowering". I venture to guess that Husband is one of these people. I am not. I want to be, but I'm starting to feel that it is physically impossible. I always feel like a big *fat* failure doing my stupid 2.8 on the treadmill, wheezing all the way. I hate the gym. I hate working out. I hate feeling like I will never succeed at something I want so badly... to be physically fit, to just walk out the door on any adventure and not worry about the limitations of my body.

At this point, I would totally give up the dream of wearing cute, fashionable clothes in a *normal* size and agree to live the rest of my life in a 200 pound body that didn't physically inhibit me. I've been fat for so long that I've gotten used to coping with the self-image crap. What I cannot accept is the inability to do the things that my family wants to do. Maybe that's what frustrates me the most, knowing that right now I have two choices... I can either hold them back or remove myself from their adventures... and both options suck.

Day 20: New Toy

2011-01-20T12:51:00.013-06:00

My new kitchen scale came today! I have been using an ancient kitchen scale for the past few weeks and, as suspected, I confirmed tonight that it has not been taking accurate measurements. I've been eating more than I thought (about .75 ounces more per weighed item) which means using the new scale should help me achieve better results.

I pulled a no-no this morning and didn't eat breakfast. 3yr-old-boy and I had places to go and things to do... OK, are super cool adventure was just grocery shopping at the Walmart, but we needed to get it done so off we went with no breakfast for Mom. I wasn't all that hungry anyway. I think my digestive system might have still been in shock from all of that ice cream last night. Here are my lunch and dinner details for today...

Lunch: boneless/skinless chicken breast, fresh pineapple, all-natural pepper-jack cheese, peach & pineapple chipotle salsa

Dinner: whole wheat spaghetti, all-natural mushroom & green pepper sauce, 96% lean ground beef, grated all-natural mozzarella cheese

I couldn't find the almond Green & Black's chocolate bars today so I decided to try a different kind. My Weight Watcher friends need to take note that the NewTree chocolate bars, along with being all-natural, are high in fiber (7g per serving). These babies are soooo good; which they need to be to make them worth the $4 they cost per bar. This is why I have always gorged on things like Reese's cups and Snickers... because they are cheap and you can buy lots of them! I spent $16 on four chocolate bars today. It's a good thing that I'm tracking what I eat and they will actually last awhile.

Daily Totals (including half of the NewTree chocolate bar): 1235 calories, 40% carbs (124g), 31% fat (42g), 29% protein (89g). I learned today that the Tap&Track app that I use on my ipod adjusts the maximum calorie intake based on your weight and goals. I had mine set for losing two pounds per week and I noticed, because I have lost weight, that the program automatically decreased the amount of calories I am allowed per day. I thought it was a nifty little feature. Anything that automatically updates wins my approval as it is one less thing I need to remember to do.

Day 19: Dinner = Ice Cream

2011-01-19T16:35:00.015-06:00

Ice Cream = Dinner = Try Again... Tomorrow. I finally tried the Tin Roof Sundae and now it is gone. I made the mistake of thinking I could eat out of the carton and restrain myself. HaHaHa. So we will now be done with diet talk for the day because I totally screwed the pooch as far as calories and everything else. Perhaps tomorrow I will share the photos of the wonderfully healthy breakfast and lunch that I destroyed with frozen goodness just a few minutes ago.

Next subject...

I know in the last few weeks that this blog has become almost entirely about my weight-loss and eating habits, but really it is more than that. I like to talk about my family and what we're up to and my lovely little children that every so often become possessed by greedy, rude, insufferable entities. These are also the moments in our family's life that Husband and I start reevaluating our parenting because we just *have* to be doing something wrong for them to be acting so terribly.

Then we realize, nope, not us... they are just rotten little ingrates. OK, to be fair, we have not figured out the right way to teach them how much they actually have and how lucky they are. All of the kids they know have the same lifestyle, if not *better* with more stuff. I am constantly repeating to them that they need to be grateful and appreciate what they have and are given. They continually look at me with those glazed over expressions waiting for me to release them from kiddie hell. They simply do not get it.

A few weeks back, I was ranting on Facebook (yes, I know I spend way too much time there. Thank-You-Very-Much.) with some other moms about the ungratefuls that we are raising. It made me feel so much better knowing that I am not the only one trying to get it right and still somehow falling short. Since it was clear that a lot of parents are struggling with the same spoiled attitudes, I decided to start poking around the Internet to see if I could find any helpful advice. I stumbled across these:

They are personalized Gratitude Journals for kids. Click on the above photo and it will take you to the website where I created/ordered these. Just a warning, you will have to register to see their products. Inside these journals, are prompts for the kids to fill out the things they are grateful for on a daily basis from Monday through Friday. I'm hoping we can do them with homework or maybe even as part of a bedtime routine. I've been meaning to incorporate bedtime prayers for awhile so maybe this can be part of that, too. Fill out the journals and then say our prayers thanking God for the things that they listed for that day's entry.

I don't know if these will help at all, but it's something. And I need to feel like I'm doing everything I can to teach my children to be grateful beyond issuing the empty "thank you's" that they have been prompted to regurgitate on command. Maybe I'm expecting to much, but I want my kids to truly appreciate all of the blessings in their lives. I know in time that these lessons will take root. For now, I need to keep on them and have faith that the "aha!" moment, when they finally get it, isn't too far away.

Day 18: Still on Board

2011-01-18T19:04:00.011-06:00

I forgot to take a photo of my lunch today as I was wiped out from helping with 3yr-old-boy's preschool class this morning. I ate lunch meat, an ounce of cheese, what was left of the wonderful organic chocolate, and then passed out on the couch for two hours while Husband took the youngest to daycare at the gym while he worked out. I still have yet to make it there this year. *hangs head in shame*

On a related note, Husband told me that he has dropped 7% of his body fat percentage over the last few months. I am super proud of him and just wanted to acknowledge his accomplishment. Right now, I'm the dieter and he's the workout guy. I think, sooner or later, we're going to have to meet in the middle of the two. He cooked an all natural dinner tonight without even realizing it. The kids were less than enthused, but they managed to pick through it and fill their bellies. Baby steps. Itty, bitty baby steps.

I have a bunch of photos in my ipod from days like today where I took one or two meal photos (mostly breakfasts), but spaced the other meals of the day. That's been happening a lot lately which is why I have been so inconsistent with posting totals and pics. So here are the random meal photos from the past few days:

Breakfasts:

all-natural vanilla yogurt w/ grape nuts cereal, an orange

drizzled w/ honey & almonds all-natural vanilla yogurt w/ grape nuts cereal, an orange,

colby-jack cheese, tea w/ honey

oatmeal w/ walnuts & honey, an orange

Lunches:

turkey lunch meat, pepper jack cheese, pumpernickel bread,

shredded lettuce

(this sandwich was so good, I had it for lunch 2 days in a row)

Dinners:

red potatoes, 96% lean ground beef, black bean & white corn salsa

Daily Totals: 1215 calories, 45% carbs (137g), 29% fat (40g), 26% protein (77g). I have a couple of other 'recipes' that I am going to try this week. I found them in a magazine while waiting in the dentist office yesterday. Today's breakfast with the honey & almond orange was from that article. I think it was in an issue of People. Anyway, the orange was delicious this morning and I'm looking forward to trying the grilled banana drizzled with maple syrup. Maybe for tomorrow if I'm in the mood to drag the Foreman grill out. We'll see...

I lied.

2011-01-17T20:51:00.003-06:00

It's Monday and I am not going to post food photos because I forgot to take them. I am also not going to post my daily totals because I am too tired. So I will just tell you that I did well today and stayed within all of my ranges.

I did find out that I get really, really friggin' crabby when I don't eat enough calories... could have been the lack of protein, too. I ate 10oz of 96% lean ground beef with dinner just to get those levels where they needed to be. Let me just tell you, I was a completely different person after a feeding.

Well, it has been a very long day and Husband just started the Netflix movie without me. Guess he's tired, too, and wants to get a move on so we can get to bed at a decent time. I'll try to snap some food shots tomorrow. G'night all!

New Discoveries

2011-01-15T17:52:00.004-06:00

I will try to get back to the photo posting of my meals on Monday. I am still doing well with my totals. I always feel when I don't report my daily numbers for a few days that I must give reassurance that I haven't been hiding in my closet with the Girl Scout cookies (again). Today marked two weeks since I got serious about kicking my food addiction. I celebrated with a weigh-in (Oh, joy.) and of course it didn't come anywhere near last weeks 12 pounds, but I did lose another three pounds bringing my total loss to 15 pounds. In just two weeks!

I have discovered some new foods this week that are quickly becoming my new *healthier* friends. They join ranks with the blueberry-pomegranate ice cream that I told you about last week (I still haven't tried the Tin Roof Sundae). Meet my new favorite indulgence: Green & Black's organic chocolate bars. So yummy. Remember, my number one goal is to cut out processed food and remove additives from my diet. That means organic chocolate is allowed. Isn't getting healthy wonderful?

I have also switched to Hormel's Natural Choice lunch meats. I always buy (and consume) the pre-sliced lunch meats from the Walmart deli. Well, the last time I was grocery shopping, I asked the deli clerk to read me the ingredients in the meats I normally buy. It was pretty interesting listening to her attempt to pronounce some of the preservatives that every single one of my "usuals" contained. I'm sure she was thinking something along the lines of, "I am not paid enough for this crap."

Remember that tiny shot of Starbuck's goodness that I allowed myself a few days ago? I was complaining on Facebook about the miniature stature of said beverage and my good friend, Elisa, gave me a suggestion that I can't wait to try (probably after the organic chocolate is all gone). Instead of a short, nonfat Caramel Macchiato (100 calories, 17g carbs, 1g fat, 6g protein), she suggests I try a grande... that's two sizes larger folks... Skinny Caramel Latte (130 calories, 19g carbs, 0g fat, 12g protein). If I wanted to, I could even order a tall which is one size up from the short. A tall Skinny Latte has ten less calories than the short Macchiato. ***Side Note: Elisa is back on the Weight Watchers wagon so I wanted to congratulate her and encourage her to stick with it (and to send me anymore not-really-cheating suggestions that I can share).***

I was so stunned by the size of my $3.48 Starbucks purchase that I took a picture of it! My thumb is more than half the height of that cup. I honestly felt like I was doing an espresso shot or something. I am looking forward to the feel of that tall... OK, grande... in my hand the next time I treat myself to something other than ice cream or chocolate.

Added Insentive

2011-01-14T18:57:00.010-06:00

It has been a rough few months. I've been tired, moody, and just can't seem to get my sh*t together. Today I did something that has brightened my mood, will give me something to look forward to, and help keep me motivated with the healthy life style change... I booked a cruise!

Husband and I will be celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary next year. We had talked about and planned a trip to Scotland and England. We were the only ones that seemed to think this was a good idea. Everyone else (except my bestie) kind of looked at us like we were nuts and we ended up explaining our decision to death. It kind of ruined the excitement.

Well, in this wonderful world of Tivo and DVRs, I don't get the chance to watch many commercials anymore. In a moment of delayed fast forwarding, I caught a Disney Cruise commercial and that was it. I was sold. For the same price that it would have cost Husband and I to go to Europe, we can take the whole family to the Bahamas on a five night Disney Cruise. This is something we have always wanted to do but, honestly, probably never would have done because we couldn't justify it. What better reason to go than to celebrate our tenth anniversary with the beautiful babies that are union has created?

The best part is that the ship and the beaches have activities for the kids where you just drop them off then go on your merry way to enjoy the adult beach, restaurants, pool, spa, ect. So we will have time alone as a couple while the kids enjoy all things Disney. Plus, they give you a pager so if your kid needs you, they can let you know. I won't be all neurotic about leaving them knowing I'm just a *beep* away.

I am so looking forward to sleeping with the veranda doors open, snuggled with Husband, listening to the sounds of the ocean as we cruise along. *HEAVEN* We splurged and got the kids their own connecting room so we won't all be crowding into 300 sq. feet with only one bathroom. I don't think I will ever regret that decision. I love them, but I like my breathing room as well! I'm also hoping we can sneak away for a couple's massage while the kids are enjoying their activities.

Now, we are just crossing our fingers that Husband can get the two days he needs off from work. I think he is pretty confident that he can considering he let me book and make the down payments today. I so needed this. I can already feel the warm ocean breezes clearing out the cobwebs of my psyche. This is going to be the best family vacation/anniversary trip ever!!!

Day 12

2011-01-12T21:21:00.007-06:00

Really bad day emotionally. Husband and I spent the morning discussing our options with a hard decision that we may be facing. Just when I had decided that I was worn out and my head was going to explode, my (estranged) father called to tell me that a family friend that I have known all of my life passed away this morning. He was 55 years old and a remarkable human being. The man lived more than 30 years beyond his life expectancy (he was born with a genetic disease called cystic fibrosis) and it is pretty unbelievable to me that he is really gone. He was such an inspiration and now the world (and my heart) seems a little emptier in the wake of his passing.

Surprisingly, I resisted the urge to self-medicate with food today. I am an emotional eater though and through. I did *treat* myself to Starbucks, though, which threw my calorie count above where it has been since the first of the year. I was as disciplined as possible ordering the short (do you know how tiny that is compared to a venti?), nonfat, no whip version of my favorite. I feel good about not letting my emotions get the better of me and I'm trying to not beat myself up for going over my calorie goal today.

Breakfast: egg scrambled w/ 96% lean ground beef, black bean & white corn salsa, an orange, oatmeal w/ honey

Lunch: green beans, ground turkey, dried cranberries

Dinner: yellow corn taco shells, ground turkey, taco cheese, black bean & white corn salsa, shredded lettuce, black beans

Daily Totals: 1325 calories (100 calorie caramel macchiato included), 45% carbs (148g), 30% fat (45g), 25% protein (83g). That's it for me tonight. I am spent and my bed is calling my name. Hoping for a better tomorrow...

Day 11

2011-01-11T21:40:00.003-06:00

Since I posted earlier today, this post is going to be short and to the point. I did want to add that I have been drinking only water since the first of the year except for the times that I listed brewing tea with my breakfast. My big blue water cup made it into today's lunch picture so I thought I would mention it. Alright then, on with the totals...

Breakfast: oatmeal, an orange, all-natural vanilla yogurt, bacon (pork)

Lunch: an egg, black bean & white corn salsa, 96% lean ground beef, black beans

Dinner: boneless/skinless chicken breast, black bean & white corn salsa, black beans, red potatoes

Daily Totals: 1250 calories, 40% carbs (123g), 34% fat (47g), 27% protein (82g). And there was no wiggle room for ice cream today... so sad. Tomorrow is taco night which I am super excited about. I love taco night and I'm anxious to try out the healthier version I've got planned. I'll let you know how things turn out in tomorrow's post.

Weight Watchers

2011-01-11T13:07:00.008-06:00

I am a huge proponent of the Weight Watchers program. It has always worked for me even though I suck at it. The reason I say I suck at it is because, despite losing weight successfully while counting points, I tend to eat only packaged foods, stop cooking entirely, and often resort to eating nothing but ice cream, soup, and granola bars. I don't know how to count points for natural foods and recipes made up of multiple foods. Bottom-line, I never made the life-style change.

If it weren't for Weight Watchers, I probably would never have started this all natural diet (I'd also need to be cut out of my barcalounger by now). I know I *can* lose weight, I'm just not happy with the way I've done it in the past and ultimately how I felt eating little more than canned and processed foods. Plus, add the guilt of not cooking for my family because I didn't have the energy to crack open a can for myself and prepare something for them. This time around, I cook two meals most nights or, at the very least, one and a half.

Weight Watchers is so ingrained in my being from years of using it (successfully) and then quitting for whatever reason that I still keep track of my points even though I'm not actually working the program. Every night after I use the Tap & Track app on my ipod all day, I plug my totals into my old WW point calculator. So far, I have been *exactly* on target with my daily totals equaling the points that I should be consuming with Weight Watchers. Just another indicator that I really might be doing something right this time.

Day 10

2011-01-10T19:49:00.006-06:00

WooHoo! I've made it ten days! I want to give my friend Elisa a big "Thank You" for giving my efforts a shout-out on her Facebook page. It keeps me going knowing I've got my own personal cheerleader out there! That being said, I don't know if I will see an increase in traffic over here (and I'm really wishing I had taken a picture of the awesome all-natural pizza I made this weekend to share with any new visitors), but I just wanted to say, "Hi. I'm Cathy... and I'm a sugar/pasta/grease-aholic who has made a resolution to eat naturally and actually *do* something about my addiction this new year. Now on to today's totals...

Breakfast: all-natural vanilla yogurt, an orange, colby-jack cheese, hard-boiled egg

Lunch: 96% lean ground beef, black bean & white corn salsa, black beans

Dinner: green beans sauteed in butter, 96% lean ground beef, grape nuts cereal

Daily Totals: 1180 calories, 40% carbs (119g), 32% fat (43g), 28% protein (82g). You'll have to trust me that both my lunch and dinner tasted WAY better than they looked... The grape nuts added a nutty, crunchy texture that really livened the whole dish. My totals for the day also reflect the blueberry-pomegranate ice cream I had for dessert tonight. I also have an all-natural Tin Roof sundae (my absolute favorite flavor ice cream ever!) that I need to at least try before Husband eats it all. Gotta love when the man gives me a valid excuse to eat ice cream!

Cheesecake? Where have you been all of my life?!?

2011-01-09T14:31:00.004-06:00

OK, not really cheesecake. I discovered an unbelievably good ice cream today that I swear tastes just like blueberry cheesecake... Good Value (Walmart's brand) all natural blueberry-pomegranate ice cream. It is to DIE for!

I know I haven't reported my totals or shared my pictures for a few days, but I assure you I haven't fallen off the wagon. We visited family for a couple of days and I brought all of my own food with me despite feeling like a total dork for doing so. I was very proud of myself for sticking to my diet with all of the carry-out pizza and cookies and soda around. Oh, and friggin' cinnamon rolls with icing!

My carb intake was up while we were gone and my protein levels down, but I kept my calorie and fat consumption in check. Saturday morning was supposed to be my weigh-in, but I didn't want to use a *strange* scale so I waited until this morning. Ready for it? T-W-E-L-V-E pounds since January 1st! Let me do the math for you... that was only eight days ago. I cannot begin to express how wonderful this makes me feel. I am simply elated.

I ordered a digital food scale last night off eBay. I have an old kitchen scale that I have no clue where it came from and I'm not sure how accurate the thing is. I don't think it is off in a bad way considering my results so if I get the new scale and start gaining because of it's accuracy, I guess I'll go back to the old one. I paid less than $7 for it on eBay.

Tomorrow I plan to get back to posting my totals and meals. For now, I need to go lock up that ice cream...

Day 6

2011-01-06T22:32:00.003-06:00

Very productive day = Very tired blogger. This will be short and to the point tonight (for once). I got some great new , all-natural foods at the grocery store tonight that I am excited to integrate into my diet in the coming days. We will be spending half the weekend out of town so I am nervous how that will play out as far as what I eat. I'll report in when we get back.

Breakfast: 2 hard-boiled eggs, fresh pineapple, colby-jack cheese

Lunch: boneless/skinless chicken breast, black bean & white corn salsa, black beans

Dinner: green beans, walnuts, fresh pineapple, boneless/skinless chicken breast

Daily Totals: 1190 calories, 37% carbs (111g), 31% fat (43g), 32% protein (98g).

Holistic Nutrition

2011-01-06T16:56:00.004-06:00

The Basics of Holistic Nutrition:

- All food should be organic as much as possible.

- Avoid junk food and processed food.

- No food with additives and preservatives.

- No sugar or caffeine.

- Drink adequate amounts of pure water. Filtered and free of chlorine and other contaminants.

- Avoid microwaves.

- No genetically engineered food.

- Identify hidden food allergies and food sensitivities.

- Address nutritional deficiencies.

- Eat whole foods in their natural state as much as possible.

I came across this on the internet and it sounds a lot like what I am trying to do with my diet; minus the giving up of sugar, caffeine and microwaves (maybe I should buy a water filter with my Christmas monies)!

Day 5

2011-01-05T08:14:00.002-06:00

I am a creature of habit. It occurred to me today that I might need to state that here. I know that the same foods keep showing up over and over, like chicken breasts and the salsa I use, but that is because I like those foods. I don't tend to vary from things that I like until I am at risk of falling asleep in my plate from boredom. That being said, you will find that today's lunch is much like last night's dinner because it was so yummy that I couldn't wait to make (devour) it again. My point is, you will probably get bored with my food rotation way before I do.

Breakfast: egg scrambled with butter & black bean/white corn salsa, black beans, tea & honey

Lunch: green beans sauteed in butter, boneless/skinless chicken breast, dried cranberries

Dinner: grilled beef round steak, whole-wheat spaghetti, mushroom & green pepper spaghetti sauce

Daily Totals: 1280 calories, 42% carbs (134g), 28% fat (41g), 30% protein (97g). Again, the red meat really helps me reach my protein goal for the day. Tomorrow is the big grocery shop and I am hoping to find a few more sources of protein that aren't too high in fat. Suggestions welcome.

Day 4: Totals

2011-01-04T22:04:00.003-06:00

Wow. The oatmeal this morning was f-a-b-u-l-o-u-s, but I had to watch my carbs like a hawk the rest of the day and I still ended up a little over. All in all, a good day and I am not craving too badly or exhausted like I am when I cut calories and eat nothing but crap.

Breakfast: oatmeal w/ honey & raisins

Lunch: boneless/skinless chicken breast w/ green pepper & mushroom spaghetti sauce

Dinner: (This was amazingly good!!!) green beans sauteed in butter, boneless/skinless chicken breast, an orange, walnuts

Husband said that my dinner got an "8" for presentation... no matter what it tasted like ( he cooked something else for him and the kids)! Anyway, on to the totals...

Daily Totals: 1245 calories, 45% carbs (141g), 29% fat (41g), 26% protein (82g). No red meat today = a little low on protein. I need to start cooking fish. The only thing I know I like is perch so I guess that's a good place to start. Thursday is grocery shopping day so I hope to add a little more variety next week. Baby steps...

Day 4: Labels

2011-01-04T09:27:00.005-06:00

This starting the new *diet* on the first thing is really helping me keep track of which day I'm on; 4th of January = day 4. I like simple. I'm in trouble come February...

I came across the perfect example of why I am doing this dietary overhaul in my pantry this morning and so, I took pictures for you! You're welcome.

This is the oatmeal that we have always eaten in this house (flavors may vary):

This is the oatmeal that I also have in the house, but only use for cooking (holds my meatloaf together wonderfully):

This is the label for the one we eat as a meal:

This is the label for the one I cook with:

Guess which oatmeal I decided to use for breakfast this morning? Yep, the oatmeal with ONE ingredient. Maybe my new rule of thumb should be, "If you can't pronounce it, you shouldn't be eating it!" And it didn't take any longer to cook (microwave) the healthier option which I, for some reason, thought would be the case.

Day Three

2011-01-03T18:11:00.003-06:00

I nailed my protein intake today! Just check out my totals at the end of this post...

Breakfast: all natural yogurt, banana chips, hard boiled egg, tea & honey

Lunch: black beans, boneless/skinless chicken breast, white corn/black bean salsa

Dinner: grilled round steak, natural seasoning, sweet potato w/ butter

Daily Totals: 1220 calories, 42% carbs (131g), 28% fat (40g), 30% protein (94g). Eating a little red meat (5.5 oz) really went a long way as far as reaching my protein goal was concerned. I didn't make it to the gym today, but Husband and I spent 6 hours (SIX HOURS!) taking down Christmas decorations. At least I got my fair amount of bending, squatting, lifting, and pulling getting all of that stuff down, sorted and put away. Hopefully tomorrow the treadmill and I will once again meet each others acquaintance.

Day Two

2011-01-02T17:08:00.008-06:00

Still feeling good today. The decrease in sodium has me peeing every fifteen minutes, though! I couldn't finish the lunch I prepared for myself and I have had no desire to snack between meals. I might just be on to something here...

Breakfast: 2 hard-boiled eggs, all natural yogurt w/ dried cranberries

Lunch: half a sweet potato w/ butter, steamed broccoli, black beans

Dinner: boneless/skinless chicken breast, green pepper & mushroom spaghetti sauce, whole wheat pasta w/ butter

Daily totals: 1285 calories, 47% carbs (153g), 28% fat (40g), 25% protein (81g). I'm still working on my protein intake, but I'm getting better. Again, its all about discovering what foods are naturally a good source. Black beans were the answer today.

I'm supposed to hit the gym tomorrow (and maybe I'm just making excuses here), but I also need to get the Christmas stuff down. I don't know if I will have time (energy) for both. I'll let you know if I get over myself and go tomorrow... wish me luck!

Resolutions

2011-01-01T12:14:00.009-06:00

Happy New Year! 2010 was a pretty good year for our little family. I even managed to follow through with one of my resolutions (a first for me)... I quit smoking! It has been six months since I made the decision to no longer be a slave to the nicotine and set an example for my kids whom I hope never, ever start that nasty habit!

As proud as I am of this accomplishment, I did manage to gain about 20 pounds in the process of quitting. Partially because of the not smoking anymore and partially because I used not smoking anymore as an excuse to snack. So this year's resolution ties into conquering last year's... I want to change my life through the food that I eat.

I have the worst relationship with food. I eat garbage and lots of it. When I "diet", I still eat junk... just less of it. I manage to lose weight, but I feel like crap because my body is not getting the fuel it needs. So I give up on the diet and go back to my usual, unhealthy patterns. My resolution for this year is to eat more natural, non-processed foods.

I don't know if there is a specific diet out there to give this venture of mine a label, but here are the basic ideas that I am hoping to adhere to and should naturally result in some weight-loss:

* Eat as close to the "source" as possible. What this means to me is eating things from nature... veggies, fruits, meat, eggs, nuts, milk. I am researching and expanding what this will include since I honestly don't know the difference between what is and isn't *natural*.

* I'm also trying to maintain the 40:30:30 ratio in my diet. This is something I discovered through an app I have on my ipod. It relates to the balance of foods in your diet, 40% carbs, 30% protein, 30% fat are the daily goals. I use Tap & Track on my ipod and it shows me a pie chart of my daily intake percentages. I find it keeps me from blowing my whole diet out of whack with too much fat or sugar or starch.

* Maintain a calorie intake between 1250 and 1500 daily. I am hoping this will be easier than with my past dieting experience since I don't see myself gorging on green beans and apples. I guess it could happen...

It seems simple to keep things, well, simple in terms of what I plan to eat, but I know it is going to be hard. The donuts my kids were eating this morning smelled so. flippin'. good. I just need to take it one day (meal) at a time and realize that my success with this resolution will also set a life long example for my donut-scarfing, cookie-crazy babies. 6yr-old-girl has been begging me to slice open the pineapple that came in with all of the other fresh fruits and veggies in preparation for my big switch.

I also plan to share a food log and photos here, maybe even a weekly weigh-in report; at least in the beginning while this is all new to me. Hopefully, by the end of this year, it will be second nature to eat naturally and I won't need to think (obsess) about it so much.

Breakfast: hard boiled egg, orange, tea & honey

Lunch: steamed broccoli/cauliflower/carrots, walnuts, dried cranberries

Dinner: green beans, boneless/skinless chicken breast, white corn/black bean salsa

Daily totals: 1220 calories, 48% carbs (150g), 32% fat (46g), 20% protein (62g). I know I need to do better getting enough protein, but this is probably more than I have eaten in months. I told you, my diet is garbage (sugar, sugar and more sugar). I'm feeling good about day one right now and hope to see some positive changes to my overall health in the weeks and months to come.

My Poor Children

2010-12-17T05:18:00.018-06:00

I have been done Christmas shopping for the kids since October. My goal is always to have the bulk of the Santa gifts bought by Halloween. I've been doing this for the past three or four years and it has completely eliminated the holiday stress in my life. I do not get all time constraint crazy in the weeks leading up to the big day because, I can honestly say, I have been done for months.

The danger in this little tradition, however, is not continuing to purchase additional gifts throughout November and December which is so very hard with all of the advertisements, free shipping and other holiday gimmicks constantly in your face. I do pretty well avoiding the temptation, though. Mostly because I still have Husband, my family, my friends and their kids to shop for, which still leaves me just enough holiday shopping to do without making me want to spike the egg nog.

Not only do my kids get the benefit of not having to deal with Psycho Santa mom, but they also get awesome stocking stuffers Christmas morning. The stockings in my house are no longer an after thought... "Shoot! The stockings. What time is Walgreen's open 'til? I need a bag of candy."... because they are the only thing that I do allow myself to purchase for after Halloween. If it won't fit, I won't/can't/don't buy it. I will admit, I've had to upgrade to some industrial strength hooks for hanging those suckers the last couple of seasons. *snicker*

Now, the reason I've gone into all of this is not merely to say, "Look at me. Look at me, I was done Christmas shopping while you were still trying to figure out what costume your kid was going to wear for Trick-or-Treat." (though, there's probably some of that in here for good measure), but because I came across something so ridiculous on the internets that I felt I must share... and mock.

Top 20 Hottest Stocking Stuffer Toys and Gift Ideas for the 2010

Go ahead, click on the link. I'll wait while you take in the whole article and its insanity.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* :) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Done? Good. Now I may rant. First, this came up when I did an online search for stocking stuffers. How many of those gift ideas would actually fit in a stocking? Which makes me think maybe I overestimated the awesomeness of my kids' stockings. Perhaps they are actually quite miniature and I am just clueless. Anyway... It was not really the size of these items that got me, but the PRICE. The article defines stocking stuffers as "small gifts that are supplemental to the bigger, higher-priced main gifts that boys and girls receive during the December holiday season."

Umm, can I just ask... What the hell are parents spending on Christmas gifts?! Those *stocking stuffers* are priced about the same (if not more than) what I spend on the main gifts. And I think I spend a crazy amount, so I am really just baffled by all of this. I'm over here patting myself on the back, feeling like Super Santa for managing to upgraded the trinkets and treasures in our stockings from last minute whatever-the-Dollar-Store-has-left candy to chapter books and silly bands, just to find out this Santa is apparently c-h-e-a-p. Its a good thing my kids have grandparents (not to mention an uncle) who are the spoiling type or their Christmas might be ruined. *please note sarcasm*

Maybe I'll be less of a Scrooge with my grandkids and I'll splurge on the 3ft. stockings stuffed with $20 pillow pets and $50 Talking Buzz Lightyears (or whatever the fad is 25 years from now), but first let me worry about putting three kids through college. After all, the Santa around these parts does have his priorities and is frugal for a reason.

Looking Back

2010-11-24T16:18:00.009-06:00

Today is a very special day because, as the birthday boy pointed out to me this morning, we have both a birthday and an anniversary to celebrate. 8 years ago today, not only did one of the most special little boys I will ever know enter the world, but that same magnificent day also marked the point in time that I would first and forever become a mommy. I think it speaks volumes that he would think beyond himself on *his* special day and remember me.

Happy birthday my sweet, sweet boy. Words cannot express how much I love you and how much I have cherished every moment of the past 8 years as your mom. Thank you for that privilege. I am truly blessed to have you in my life and to be a part of yours.

Social Networking

2010-11-15T08:35:00.008-06:00

Anyone who knows anything about me, knows that I am socially retarded, socially awkward, socially stunted. I cannot handle people and the various forms of stupidity that comes along with them. This being said, I will now confess to participating in a a societal norm that I, in all reality, should avoid like the plague... Facebook. Oh, how I love Facebook (for all of the horribly wrong reasons). I gawk and stalk and take in all of the wonderfully unsettling drama. I can be found yelling at my monitor more often than I care to admit as I peruse the posts of others. I will drag anyone within earshot into the lives displayed before me... "Can you believe that she said that?! AGAIN?!?!"

I laugh as I realize that a friend of a friend of a friend has posted a 15 year old picture of herself before her ass tripled in size. Those of us who know her (or her friend's friend), are aware that this is a gross misrepresentation. Who is she trying to fool? Or is she still fishing for compliments based on what she used to look like? "Wow. You were hot. What happened?"

I wonder if that random woman ever realized that traffic to her site quadrupled after the wife of a friend of Husband's went on a tirade about the "inappropriate" content of her profile picture. You know we all had to go look... multiple times.

I am in awe at those people who have achieved level gazillion on Farmville. How many friends do you have feeding your goats and spreading sparkly manure on your crops? I cheated and bought some damn coins so I could expand my farm, well that and buy a Halloween costume for my farmer, but mostly to expand my farm and buy a pink tractor.

But sometimes, Facebook isn't so entertaining. Sometimes, it is down right heartbreaking. These are the times I become angry and start growling at the monitor. Angry at the hypocrisy. Angry at the neglect. Angry at the sense of entitlement that some people have, the nerve to think they deserve anything but a swift kick in the ass. Disgusted at the lies and deceit, knowing full well how certain people are passing their time, and seeing all of the lovely comments left by the unsuspecting.

I think to myself in these dark moments of social networking that perhaps I should call these individuals out. Post on my page, post it on their pages, post for the world to see that these people are FRAUDS. "Nice profile pic. Is it retro week? I missed that thread." *or* "Ummm, I think something is wrong with your profile. It keeps notifying me of a relationship status change...hourly." *or* "Wait, I thought you told me on the phone this morning that you were to hungover to drive your kid to school. Now she's home sick? Wow, you really are having a bad day."

But then common sense washes over me and I realize that I simply cannot rat people out all over Facebook. It would do more damage than good as I would be forced to start watching General Hospital or something equally as horrible since I will no longer have any more Facebook *friends* to supply infinite opportunities to judge, mock, and ridicule as needed. So I continue to lurk laughing, yelling and making Husband an unwilling participant in the insanity... on the other side of the screen.

Whaju Say?!?

2010-11-13T10:58:00.012-06:00

The wonderfully funny Kate & Lydia over at Rants from Mommyland, are putting together a sort of dictionary of the crazy words that kids come up with called "The Lexicon of Green Tomato Minds". 6yr-old-girl is a pro at creating her own words that sound kinda like what she thought she heard. Last week her new phrase was "turtle twins"...

Turtle Twins: (noun) The kind of twins that aren't exactly alike because one has green eyes and the other has brown. *never mind that green-eyed child is a girl and brown-eyed child is a boy*

I submitted "turtle twins" for The Lexicon of Green Tomato Minds, but it didn't make the cut. Another of 6yr-old-girl's words did make the list, though...

Hooray: (noun) On the 4th of July we watch the Hooray with all of the floats and loud fire engines. People throw candy for the kids to gather.

For as long as she could talk, 6yr-old-girl has called a parade a hooray. Every time she says, "I can't wait to go watch the Hooray!", a little part of me melts over her sweetness and so I have never corrected her. I'm thrilled that Kate & Lydia found my lovely daughter's cuteness Mommyland Lexicon worthy.

**Update: Turtle Twins made it!**

Have a muffin, bitch.

2010-11-11T18:42:00.007-06:00

3yr-old-boy has a speech delay. He struggles to communicate his needs and desires and becomes extremely frustrated when he is misunderstood. It breaks my heart daily, but he is making progress and is adding more and more (mispronounced) words to his vocabulary. I, of course, understand about 90% of what he is *trying* to say. Husband is lucky if he understands 20%. I really thought preschool would help the boy since he wouldn't have Mommy around to translate and would have to use his words more. And it has helped some, but not as much as I was hoping/expecting/needing. I'm actually starting to fear that his extremely young (have you even finished college yet?) teachers might be ignoring him instead of making the extra-extra effort to communicate with him.

I've spent the last month listening to Husband tell me that I am being hyper-sensitive while trying to convince myself that I'm really only looking to *socialize* the boy and it doesn't matter that he doesn't seem to have learned one damn thing in over two months. Something is not right, and it has been gnawing at me, but I have been doing some ignoring of my own I guess. But now there has been an incident. Two incidents, actually.

Incident #1: Husband overheard a child in my son's class tell his father that our son "is the dumbest kid in class." I cannot express the range of emotions that have ripped through me over this. I want to scream, I want to cry. To be honest, I have done both. I have chewed Husband out multiple times for not saying *something* and defending our child when really, I am just upset that I wasn't there to protect my cub. Mama Bear is still very much licking her wounds over this one.

Incident #2: My son got violently ill today at school... during Grandparents' Day... while in the POOL... as all of the grandparents watched. It was MORTIFYING to say the least. Here's the thing; I don't know why it happened since I wasn't in the pool area when disaster struck. Was it because he is sick and just couldn't make it out of the pool to the bathroom? ***OR*** Was he telling them he had to go and no one was paying attention since it takes more of an effort to listen to him? I will never know, but the fact that I would even think of the second possibility pretty much means my kid should not be entrusted to these people. And don't get me started on how MEAN the other parents were as I hosed my child down, collected our things, and did our walk of shame out of the building to the car. Sorry ladies, we really didn't have an evil plot to destroy Grandparents' Day. Here, have a muffin... I baked them myself.

So anyway, tonight I collected all of the leftover resources I have from the older two kids and I have decided that I am going to work with the boy here at home on all things preschool. I can't send him back there...Well, next week he will go for his Thanksgiving activities because I worked *really* hard on that damn vest... but after that, he is all mine. I am actually looking forward to it even if I am losing those glorious five hours a week alone that are not worth compromising my baby for. The older two kids helped me gather all of our shape, number and letter books this evening and they are super excited that I am going to be teaching their brother. I just hope little man feels the same.

Finding My Way

2010-10-05T20:28:00.014-05:00

The kids are bathed and in bed so I decided to plop down in front of the keyboard, catch up on a few blogs that I follow, and skim Facebook. The first two entries I read were written by women in their thirties about how they still need their moms. What mystifies me is that both of their moms are actually *there* for these women. I simply cannot relate.

My mom checked out awhile ago. I have never felt close to her, have never felt that mother-daughter bond. We get along fine... as long as we keep conversation light. If I try to talk about anything of substance or (God forbid) infused with feelings, forget it. She shuts down, disengages, leaving me to ponder such things alone.

I wonder why she is like this, how she can be alright with having no connection with me other than genetics. I wonder even more how she is fine missing out on the lives of my children. I mean they know each other, they spend time together, just as she and I do, but she isn't an active participant and I just don't get that. My kids are the greatest little peeps to ever grace her life and they love their grandma despite her not really showing any real interest in us. If I were her, I would be all over them, giving them every moment I had to give.

Most of all, I wonder how much of a factor my mom's apathy will play in my own parenting. No way in hell I will ever check-out on my own kids, but I don't exactly have anything to model myself after here either. My mom was involved when I was the ages my kids are now, it was later that she lost interest. But still, I never felt close to her. Even when she was Room Mom or Troop Leader, I felt like those were parts she played, never genuine interest.

My kids know I love them. Even 8yr-old-boy still curls up in my lap and throws his arms around my neck. There exists a connection between my three and me and I will never give that up. Nothing will ever be more important than loving them, being with them, holding onto them forever. I envy those women out there with families of their own that have their mothers to turn to when they are sick, when they are scared, when they just need to feel loved because it is something that I have never known.

Above everything and anything else I can give my children in this life, the one thing that they will carry with them is *knowing* that their mom loves them and will always be here to comfort, protect, and care. I owe them (and myself) nothing less.

Tickled Pink

2010-09-29T13:23:00.004-05:00

After 3+ years of living in this house, all of the rooms are finally painted! WooHoo! It is so strange to walk into these completed rooms now and have them actually look the way I have always envisioned them in my head. The kids are thrilled and I am so elated that I will not have to answer the question, "When are the painters coming back to do my room?" ever again!

Why am I such an Angry Person? Exhibit A

2010-09-29T08:19:00.010-05:00

PART I

This is going to be long even in shortened version. It started Friday when MIL filled me in that BIL's girlfriend had joined FIL, BIL, and Husband for dinner the previous Sunday before they went to the Colts game. I did not know this. MIL did not know that I did not know this. She could see on my face that this was the first I was hearing of it and that Husband had conveniently not filled me in that their was a party crasher during the *guys* outing.

MIL is not one to try and make a situation better. In fact, she does the exact opposite. So what did she do in this situation? She planted a dark and evil thought and left it to fester in my suspicious little brain by asking just one question, "Are you sure it is just Husband and BIL going to Vegas next week?"

It took about one hour before I was on the phone tearing Husband a new one for not telling me about Girlfriend joining them for dinner and accusing him of planning indecent rendezvous for the Vegas trip. He told me he would check for sure with his brother but, as far as he knew, it was just the two of them. So he made a phone call, left a voicemail, and we waited, and waited. Red flag, my friends. BIL always returns a call or email promptly. I knew something was up.

PART II

These are the emails that took place two days later (minus all of the wonderfully hysterical commentary from Husband that kept me from truly losing my mind):

BIL to Husband:

I wanted to let you know discreetly that Girlfriend and her friend are going to Las Vegas the same time as you and I. I had already told Girlfriend that she could go before talking to you, I then told her she couldn't go which resulted in a big fight. They are flying on a different flight than us out and back and they are staying at a different hotel. You may never see them or they might gamble with us a little bit, I am not sure. Honestly, I thought I was going to be broken up with her before the trip and it almost happened yesterday, probably when we get back. Anyway I don't want it to create any problems for you.

Husband to Me:

This is a mess. I really do not know what to say. I had no idea, and this is not what I had in mind when planning a trip to Las Vegas. I just want to gamble all night/day alone while being served complimentary drinks.

I guess you are not psycho, but psychic.

So what am I suppose to do?!?

Me to BIL

Husband forwarded your email to me and all I can say is you are off your f*ing rocker if you think that I am going to sit back and let him fly cross country for a weekend in Vegas with you and two women. And I am beyond pissed about your comment about sending the email "discreetly" as it translates into nothing short of "behind your wife's back". All this for a woman you have no intention of staying with. Your brother doesn't get the travel opportunities that you do and he was really looking forward to this, but God forbid you piss off your current f*ck-buddy before you've found her replacement and take the trip without her. Maybe you should have checked with your brother (and his wife) before inviting the b*tch in the first place.

BIL to Me:

I think before you pass judgement upon me you need to understand my situation. Girlfriend, whom I have dated exclusively since May 10th (needless to say f*ck-buddy is not the right term), was mad, like you are now, when she found out I was going to Vegas with my brother. I tried to explain to her that this was a brother trip and all we would do is gamble and see comedy shows, but she didn't believe me. I thought the easiest solution was to fly her and her friend to Vegas on different flights and to have them stay in a different Hotel. That way she could feel like she was there to keep an eye on me but wasn't really traveling with us.

However, after inviting her I discussed this with the nurses at work and they told me it was a bad idea and that I shouldn't let her go. I told Girlfriend this at the end of August and she went a little crazy so I backed down and let her come.

In terms of "discreetly" I was concerned that you would get upset and irrational if you found out that my girlfriend and her friend were going to be in Vegas the same time as us so I chose to use his work e-mail so that he could find the right time and place to share the information with you.

Me to BIL:

Letting him know 48 hours before you are leaving town really doesn't give him a whole lot of opportunity to find the right moment. And it is ridiculous that the peace of mind of your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is much more important than that of your brother's *wife*.

BIL to Me:

I don't think I had any intention of letting him know that the two of them were going because I had no plans of seeing Girlfriend or her friend while in Vegas except for a booty call. He e-mailed me if Girlfriend was going on Thursday or Friday while I was away for a conference. I returned late last night and I responded to him today.

I am not going to pretend that I understand the issue of my girlfriend and her friend being in Vegas at the same time as us. I do know and acknowledge it is an issue because the married nursing staff at the hospital told me it was as well as both of you. (I understand it is a problem if the 4 of us are going to dinner and shows and clubs together but we won't and aren't.) They are on different flights and staying in a different hotel and doing different activities.

You are welcome to e-mail Girlfriend, however, she is unhappy with you characterizing her as a f*ck buddy and calling her a b*tch without ever meeting her so I think that the two of you talking is probably not a good solution.

Me to BIL:

Do you not get that it is wrong to purposely keep things from him? You must have also coached Girlfriend at dinner Sunday not to let on that she would be there. Ever heard of lies by omission? It also puts Husband in a very bad situation in Vegas when (or *if* in your fantasy world) he realizes they are their and I don't know. And the fact that you don't understand this issue might explain why being in an exclusive relationship for 4 months seems like such a milestone to you.

I have no desire to talk to Girlfriend. I have no clue why you would share my anger-induced, name calling with her in the first place. I really don't understand why "f*ck-buddy" was so offensive, yet you calling her a "booty-call" is some term of endearment. Have you shared the multiple references you have made to the relationship ending as well? Just curious if you were sharing everything spoke against her or just throwing me under the bus...

BIL to Me:

Yes, you are right, it qualifies as a lie of omission but only because we didn't break up like I thought was going to happen. I don't think that 4 months of dating is a milestone, I pointed out that we had dated this long to explain to you why calling her a "f*ck buddy" wasn't appropriate.

Las Vegas is the land of STRIPPERS, PROSTITUTES, CALL GIRLS and DRUNK PARTY GIRLS which is why I don't understand why the presence of these two girls in Vegas is an issue. If a spouse wants to cheat then the bolded options above are easily accessible and much simpler then getting entangled with a brother's girlfriend's friend.

I shared your e-mail with her because I was pissed off at her and wanted her to know the problems and stress that she had caused me by insisting on going to Vegas. I told her 2 months ago when we were discussing this trip that if she went it would be a problem. I told her then that it was a brother only trip and that all we would do is gamble. Just like you the only thing Girlfriend was concerned about was her feelings/insecurities and she insisted on going to Las Vegas or breaking up.

What neither of you ladies understands is that you have both done the same thing and are doing nothing but causing problems. It went from me being between a rock and a hard place with Girlfriend to Husband being between a rock and hard place with you. Girlfriend didn't trust me and insisted on coming to Vegas. You don't trust Husband and now and you won't let him come to Vegas. I tried to do the diplomatic thing and find some middle ground, I offered to send Girlfriend and her friend anywhere but Vegas which wasn't acceptable so then I was forced to let them come to Vegas but on different flights, at different hotels and with limited contact during the trip. So what middle ground, if any, is going to be acceptable to you?

Me to BIL:

I understand perfectly well that both Girlfriend and I have gone off the deep end over this trip. My issue is not one of trust with Husband, but the fact that YOU purposely deceived me (and your brother) to make things easier for yourself. And have continued to blah, blah, blah about why you did it with not even a hint of regret or apology. I don't care why, I care that you lied to me and were willing to put your brother in a position where he might have to lie to me, too, once he figured out that they were there.

I am not going to punish Husband because you're an ass. I am definitely not going to punish him for forwarding your email and filling me in as soon as he knew what was up. As far as I know, he was completely in the dark to the bullsh*t you were planning behind his back. You and I will probably never be right again, but as long as your booty-call is happy, I guess all is well for you.

Part III

Once Husband and BIL realized that I was not going to keep him from Vegas, the email war was over. I think Husband was a little misty eyed when I clarified that I did in fact intend on letting him go. Canceling this trip would be like taking Disney World away from a five year old the night before you're supposed to leave. Just cruel and, from what I can tell, he doesn't deserve it.

Husband left yesterday morning right after the kids got on the bus and I did my best to go about my normal day and not think of Vegas (too much). When I got home from preschool with 3yr-old-boy, I had a package on the front step from ProFlowers. I thought Husband must have sent them since I am so fabulous and let him go on a trip that no wife in her right mind would allow.

Nope. They were from BIL. Peruvian Lilies along with a note of apology and a promise of future honesty. I think this is pretty much his standard you-think-I-f*ed-up-and-I-don't-want-to-deal-with-your-rants-anymore gift, but the flowers are beautiful and they did make me smile. 6yr-old-girl asked why I got flowers and I told her, "Because Uncle BIL lied to me and he sent me flowers to say he is sorry." She looked at me then the flowers and said, "Wow, Mom. I think he's REALLY sorry." LOL

Husband called last night to check-in or whatever. To be honest, I wish he wouldn't call. I'm 99% fine with the trip and him being gone but, when he calls like that, I get paranoid that he is only calling because he is about to do something stupid and he figures I won't call him in the middle of said stupid thing since we just talked. Sigh... only three more days and we can put this whole train-wreck of a trip behind us.

So, to tie all of this together nicely... Why am I an angry person? Because when I do the right thing, no matter how much I may not like doing it, the other persons involved always have to ruin it. I agreed to the Brother's Weekend in Vegas. There are a lot of wives who wouldn't, but I did and this is the mess that I get in return. Had I not said yes months ago, I could have saved myself all of this drama, but then I would have been the over-bearing shrew of a wife. Simply put: I CAN'T WIN. And that pisses me off.

I said, "Hurry Up!"

2010-09-12T20:29:00.007-05:00

Peaceful day went to hell in 5 minutes flat and I don't think the neighbors will let their kids venture down to our end of the block ever again. I was trying to load the two younger kids in the car for 7yr-old-boy's soccer game. The whole time there was this bee that was trying to get in with them. A dozen or so times I said, "Hurry up, there's a bee trying to get in." "Hurry up, there's a bee trying to get in." As I'm repeating this mantra to the two slooooowest car-getter-inners I have ever seen, I keep shooing the bee away from the car with the soccer field directions. The bee is getting M-A-D.

In an attempt to keep the bee out and save myself from the pending doom of getting stung by the now seriously honked off bee, I slam the back door. Instantaneous, blood curdling screams ensue from the backseat. How was I supposed to know that "Hurry up, there's a bee trying to get in." "Hurry up, there's a bee trying to get in." translates to "Take your time and, by all means, keep an appendage hanging out the door until you feel it is the right time to pull it in with the rest of your body." in 6yr-old-girl speak?

So she is howling in the back of the car as if I have severed her leg and she will never be able to walk again. Oh, and the bee is now IN THE F-ING CAR!!!! Fantabulous. At this point, I proceed to throw an oh-so-attractive fit of my own (I really do hate bees). I threw my keys to the ground and issued a string of profanities that, if my neighbors did in fact hear me yelling while my child screamed bloody murder, would have any local parent thinking twice before letting their kid visit my yard anytime soon. I rounded this performance out by stomping back into the house leaving the shrieks from the driveway behind.

Once in the house, I realized I actually had to be somewhere and hiding inside wasn't going to accomplish a damn thing. So back out to the car I went. 6yr-old-girl had stopped shrieking and was doing that weird can't-catch-my-breath-I-was-crying-so-hard thing, 7yr-old-boy handed me my keys, and the bee's instinct was apparently the same as my own because he had fled the premises. All I kept thinking and saying was, "This wasn't my fault. It should not take someone *that* long to get all of their limbs in a car!" No one seemed to agree, least of all 6yr-old-girl.

The whole episode did result in husband climbing up on a ladder and spraying the hornet nest at the peak of the garage before we left. We'll ignore the fact that this caused the bees to swarm all over the place and we had to run from the car to the front door when we returned home. I figure in another couple months when things (with stingers) freeze over, I'll be able to pull into the garage again.

Another Day in the Life

2010-09-11T08:15:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning from a miserable dream where all of the things in life that annoy me, stress me out, or make me feel like dirt had decided to play with my subconscious.

In the dream, the husband and I were getting the kids ready for a costumed waterpark adventure. Ridiculous, yes. It.Was.A.Dream. So I tell him which costumes to bring for the kids (because we own like 8 million costumes and/or dress-up outfits) and off to the waterpark we go.

At the waterpark, I realize that 6yr-old-girl is wearing 3-yr-old-boy's costume and 3yr-old-boy is tripping all over the place in 6yr-old-girl's. Typical. What was he thinking? I tell him to fix it. Next thing I know, 6yr-old-girl is pulling out twenty different costumes and trying them on. Why did husband bring all of these? I told him which THREE to bring. When I ask him this, he acts like I'm crazy for denying our kids options. Grrrr...

The next part of the dream is me panicking over the kids nearly drowning while trying to swim and do waterslides in their costumes. Husband had disappeared to who-knows-where. Again, typical. When I finally do spot him, he is standing with his dad and uncle and they are all in tears. I run over and ask what is wrong about a half dozen times, amping the volume each time I am ignored, but no one even acknowledges me. As I turn in a huff to stomp off and find 3yr-old-boy, husband reluctantly comes after me to "fill me in". Well, thanks.

3yr-old-boy is at the top of a really long line for a waterslide so I hastily run up the stairs to retrieve him. When I turn around, I see husband running off without explanation of what was going on with his dad and uncle. I grab 3yr-old-boy and run after him, but he is gone. Leaving me alone with the kids, in the dark as to what the hell is going on, and pissed off about it. Then I woke up.

I know I should shake off the frustration I am feeling right now and tell myself that, "It was just a dream.", but that isn't entirely true. This is my life. The way I felt in that dream is how I feel a significant portion of time in real life. Frustrated and ignored. When I confront it, I'm blown off and made to feel like these are my problems.

Blah. What a way to start a rainy Saturday morning...

Craving Adult Interaction... Sorta.

2010-09-01T12:24:00.011-05:00

Dear Husband,

When you're home, do I share randomness with you all day long? Because, when you're not here, I wish you were so I could tell you all of the random things I stumble across throughout the day. (That's kinda sweet, right?)

***Like I just found out that there was an episode of Little People, Big World last season and the family went on the exact same trip I've been talking about taking for our second honeymoon. I had no clue and thought I was the only one to come up with such a marvelous idea.

***Or the fact that my favorite movie as a kid (ET) and my favorite movie as an adult (Close Encounters of the Third Kind) are playing together, this weekend at the drive-in! But you already know because that one couldn't wait and I called you at work to share.

These were my major discoveries before noon today, but I'm sure there were minor ones that I have already forgotten (which is why I need to tell you most randomness immediately) and I'm also sure that there will be more to report between now and dinner (if only I can remember to tell you).

Anyway, wish you were here to bore with my totally useless facts and knowledge. ;)

Love,
Me

P.S. This does not give you the right to ask me what exactly it is I do all day. Just throwin' it out there for your own good. *wink,wink*

Bargain Bonanza

2010-08-31T21:00:00.006-05:00

I love a bargain/good-deal/getting stuff for free. It makes me feel like I am doing my *job* as a stay-at-home-mom cutting our costs, off setting my freeloading ways. Last week, I found a $50 Target giftcard that I received for my birthday in March and had lost/forgot about until I finally tackled the job of cleaning out my purse. Two days later, my mailbox presented me with a Target coupon for $10 off a purchase of $75 or more. I am not usually a Target shopper, preferring to spend my cool cash across the street at Wally World where I can get way more bang for my buck, but today Wally World couldn't promise free.

I left the house armed with a list of necessities, and my own personal promise to only spend $75 to get the maximum savings out of my giftcard and coupon. Ink cartridges for my $10 garage sale printer were the first thing on my list. I turned down the aisle, located the right cartridge numbers, looked up to find the price, and... It Must Be Christmas!...the cartridges that I needed (one black, one color) were buy 2, get a $10 gift card free.

Fabulous! But now I must recalculate my spending for optimal savings. Yea, right. I went to Target with the intention of spending just $15 ($75 worth of stuff - $10 coupon - $50 giftcard) but, once discount delirium took over, I ended up spending more than double that amount. I did, however, manage to avoid impulse items and purchased $103 worth of stuff that we actually needed for a mere $33.

Cha-ching!

For: Sarah... and Moo & D'oh

2010-08-15T15:14:00.002-05:00

Gwen (and Noah) on Fox News Weather Segment

2010-03-01T22:43:00.002-06:00

All In A Day

2009-09-01T09:13:00.008-05:00

I often set daily or weekly goals for myself that I have every intention of seeing through, but then I get distracted or lazy or just put off for tomorrow. I lay in bed at the end of most days beating myself up for things I should have done and didn't or, more often, things I did instead. I lie there exhausted, tormenting myself and feeling guilty for being so tired when I did "nothing" that I had planned to accomplish for that day.

Last night was yet another night of guilt and frustration with my lack of ambition. I didn't take that long walk with Seth that I had planned. I didn't call the new dentist's office and make the appointments we need. I didn't start back on Weight Watchers as intended by counting my points. I didn't list that pile of outgrown clothes and baby gear in my living room on Craig's List. After awhile of tallying up all the things I didn't do, I started to wonder what exactly I had done with my day and played it back in my head from the beginning...

I woke up at 7am, dressed and readied two kids for school, depositing them on the bus-stop by 7:30; cleared the breakfast dishes; dressed the third child; made four beds; ate breakfast. I watched the emotionally riveting movie Taking Chance with the husband; jumped in the shower, dressed, did my hair and make-up; headed out the door with my portable steam cleaner to help a friend. Before leaving, I emptied out the back of my car and removed the kids' car seats so I could lay the back seats flat.

Stopped on the way out of town to drop movies off at the library and buy kids' toothpaste at Walgreen's since my own children think the various regular toothpastes we have in this house are disgusting; was detoured due to an accident on the way to my friends house; finally got there to help carry exercise equipment out of her basement, random furniture across the street, and suck all of the rain water and stink out of the floor of her car; loaded about eight big bags of her garbage into my car to stick on the curb at home.

I drove home, unloaded the garbage while attacked by bees, put the rear seats back up, reinstalled the car seats, put all of the soccer gear and chairs back in my car; attempted to nap with husband while Seth slept, tended to my wifely duties instead; greeted Noah and Gwen when they got off the bus, sorted through the numerous papers in their school bags; worked on dinner; cleared the table after dinner; did homework with both kids; hosted a neighbor kid for a couple of hours before baths.

While the kids played with their friend, I washed a load of diapers; filled out our September family calendar; picked up the house; filled out a permission slip making sure to place the exact fee amount in a properly labeled envelope; brought the hamster out for the kids to torture; laid out jammies for after baths and the next day's clothes; broke up a fight over the hamster between the neighbor boy and Gwen, sent him home, Gwen to her room, and Sarah the hamster back to her cage.

I bathed and dressed three kids for bed, brushed three sets of teeth, cleaned six dirty ears, brushed three heads of hair; tried to get Noah's loose tooth to wiggle out; cleaned up the bath toys, hung towels, made sure dirty clothes found the hamper; dug around in the crawl space for Gwen's blue mermaid Barbie along with Barbie's dolphin sidekick that she had to have for show-and-tell; read to the kids, tucked the older two into bed, stuck a movie in for Seth.

I transferred the load of diapers from washer to drier; packed two lunches; watched Design Star; tucked Seth into bed; chatted with my friend a bit, checking in on her progress with her final day of moving; finished the very long book I have been reading for the past week and a half, pulled the next book in the series out of the nightstand; turned the light off to get 5 hours of sleep before another day of much the same.

I must remember to mentally replay my days like this when I am lying there feeling unaccomplished and lazy and wondering why I am feeling so tired. I may not have managed a single thing on my to-do-list yesterday but, honestly, when did I have time? Today is a new day and maybe, just maybe, Seth and I will get that walk in and, now that I am thinking about it, I know those dentist appointments will be made. If nothing else, I now realize that I have earned the right to my exhaustion at the end of my "unproductive" days.

He's Lucky He's Cute!

2009-07-29T08:36:00.008-05:00

Yesterday was "Bring a Friend Day" at our church's Vacation Bible School so I invited the twins on the next block figuring one stop and each of my kids would have a friend to bring. I got my three kids dressed and fed breakfast, picked up their friends, and safely deposited all but Seth at church. I usually go home after dropping the kids off, but I wanted to be close just in case one of the twins had issues being dropped in a strange place only knowing my kids so Seth and I headed to the pet store for hamster treats.

Seth and I took our time looking at the birds, fish, guinea pigs, and other furry rodents. We picked out treats for Sarah the hamster and also found treats for the dog and a few tiny toy mice for our cat. Seth convinced me that he absolutely *had* to have the green squeaky ball for himself. Ball is one of the only words that the kid says on a regular basis so how could I say "No." with him looking up at me with those beautiful baby blues, pointing and repeating "Ball, ball, ball."? Yeah, I'm a sucker. We looked at all the cats for adoption and I had to drag myself away reminding myself it wouldn't be fair to the wonderful kitty we already have.

Seth and I killed over an hour poking around the pet store, but he was not ready to go when I took his hand and steered us toward the door. He launched into a full blown tantrum so I scooped him up, threw him under my arm and continued out the door. At this point, I get a text from my friend so I call her back as I'm approaching my car. You need the visual on this: screaming 2yr old under one arm, shopping bag and purse hanging off the other arm with keys in hand, phone pinned between ear and shoulder.

I unlocked the car with the remote key chain, opened Seth's door and plopped his sobbing self in. I closed his door, opened my door, dumped my purse and bag in the driver's seat, put the keys in the ignition, did not start the car, but turned the accessories on so the A/C would start as I continued to chat with my friend. I shut my door, turned to open his door to strap him in and, as I was reaching for the door handle, I heard it... *click*. H-o-l-y S-h-i-t!!! My kid, mischievous little monkey that he is, scaled the center council and pushed the lock button... with my keys inside the car!!!

My stomach dropped to my knees as my heart jumped into my throat. I briefly explained to my friend what had happened and hung up. I spent the next ten minutes trying to coax Seth to "hit the button for, Mommy." which he did, repeatedly relocking the car. I may not have had my purse or my keys or my kid, but I did have my phone so I sent the husband a text, "Call me now." He responded, "I'll be on lunch in 30 minutes." To which I replied, "911, I need you now!" He called back, I explained the situation, he left work to rescue both his trapped son and panicked wife. Thank God he is in training this week. He cannot leave his work station unattended which means he has to wait for backup to be called in if he needs to leave mid-shift. He would not have been able to leave to help me if he was working his normal job.

I still had at least 20 minutes until the husband and his set of keys would arrive so I called my friend back going straight to voicemail twice. I pleaded with her in my messages to call me back as I began to realize I had other problems... the four kids that I had dropped off at VBS were going to need to be picked up. The thought of this sent me into another wave of panic. I don't know the parents of the twins all that well. We are neighbors, their mom was an aide once a week at Gwen's preschool, we sat together at the kids' T-ball practices and games. We are friendly and I really like them, but we are still in the getting-to-know-you phase.

I was terrified at the thought of having to call them and explain that I had been irresponsible enough to let my 2yr old get locked in the car the first time that I was entrusted with their children. They don't know that this is the first time in the 6.5 years that I have been a mom that I have done anything remotely this stupid. I just saw our relationship and maybe the relationships of my kids and theirs grinding to a screeching halt on the premise that I'm a negligent parent and a bad mother.

As you can probably tell, this is the point in the story where the stress was starting to get to me and I was starting to overreact. My friend got my messages and showed up to stand just as helplessly at my side in the pet store parking lot. Her arrival signaled to Seth for the first time that something was wrong. Up until this point he had been bouncing around, relocking the doors over and over, enjoying the freedom of not being tethered to the car. Seeing both of us standing outside looking in at him triggered something in that little head of his and he started to cry.

People were noticing through this whole ordeal what was going on and were asking if I needed help or if there was anything they could do. With the husband on his way and the A/C going inside the car, everything was as under control as it could be. Seth's crying did add another sense of urgency and panic, though. A woman had walked by and made comment that I should call the police because it was probably getting hot in the car. I assured her that the A/C was running but, as she walked away, I started to question whether or not it was. Seth was crying harder now and starting to break a sweat. Was he sweating because he was crying or was he crying because he was frying to death?

With this new doubt, I started calling the husband every five minutes for reassurance that he was getting closer and wasn't stuck in traffic or encountering any other delays. My last call to his cell placed him 3 minutes down the road. The relief that this would soon be over, that my child would soon be free and that I would have enough time to get to church for the other four kids began to edge in through the panic. That small ease in the stress lasted all of 30 seconds before the police showed up. Damn it! Someone called the cops.

In hindsight, I don't blame the caller one bit. At that moment, however, I was pissed as a whole new set of worries came crashing in. Could I be in trouble for neglect or endangerment? Would the police question me and how long would that take seeing as I just figured out that I could actually make it to VBS pick-up on time and not have to rat myself out to the twins' parents?

I told the cop that my husband was on his way and only two minutes down the road. He asked if I wanted him to try prying the lock and I said, "No, since my husband is almost here, but I understand if you want to hangout and make sure." He did a once over of the car taking in my crying child, keys dangling from the ignition, purse and shopping bag on the front seat. He didn't get the chance to ask me any questions before Seth's daddy was pulling up along side us and setting our child free. By the time I turned around, the cop was gone.

The rest is fuzzy. I was in a daze once it was all over... 40 minutes of intense panic gone in an instant left me a little dizzy and sick to my stomach. The husband and I had a few words before he headed back to work, my friend went off to run her errands since she was out, Seth and I picked up the kids as if nothing had transpired while they were at church. The one thing that I do remember clearly is hugging my sweaty child (the A/C was running), kissing him multiple times before looking into those beautiful baby blues and yelling, "You don't touch buttons!"

Always a Snag!

2009-07-23T15:05:00.003-05:00

It appears that my calendar with Todd's work schedule was off and I booked my little getaway at the wrong time in his shift rotation. Ugh! My calendar is NEVER wrong, just for the record. So I now have three options:

1.) Reschedule for the week before which means I will be leaving town on the kids' first day of school and will not be here to see Gwen get off the bus safely for the first time ever unless I check-in late cutting into my "me time".

2.) Find a sitter to be at my house at 4:30 in the morning when Todd leaves for work who will get the kids on the bus and watch Seth until I arrive home. Any volunteers?

3.) Hope against hope that Todd's idiot bosses actually have a clue what September's training schedule will be and reschedule my trip for next month.

I just thought of another option that I'm not quite sure if Todd would even be willing to do...

4.) Use the vacation day that he had previously scheduled and ended up not needing because above mentioned idiot bosses can't agree on a schedule for my husband which is why my friggin' calendar was off in the first place!!! Aarrrggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, I feel better now. Plenty of options so I'm sure I will figure it out somehow and keep my mini-vacation mostly intact. I hope...

Planning My Escape

2009-07-17T13:21:00.009-05:00

I just booked a two day getaway for myself in Nashville, Indiana. I am beyond excited!!! 44 glorious hours all to myself to read, shop, wander, and sleep at my leisure. Ah, bliss. I was feeling a bit guilty at first and started thinking about taking a friend, but then I realized that I don't want anyone to go with me. I don't want to have to take someone else's wants and needs or boredom factor into account. The whole point of me going is to spend time on my own schedule with nobody's demands but my own to meet.

I find it funny that I can justify a girl's getaway or that I don't think anything of the husband going to Vegas with the boys every now an then, but it is hard for me not to feel selfish going away alone. I guess because the purpose of trips like those is to spend quality time with your friends where as this trip is about running away for a bit. I guess a girl's weekend is the same thing, but it can be disguised better behind bonding time and comradery with others.

My little escape is about getting away so I don't have to listen to the kids being cared for by their dad or feeling obligated to help him do so despite my claim of being "off duty". Is a mother ever off duty in the vicinity of her children? Even when the family does go out leaving me behind, I feel guilty for not participating in family time or for not being more productive while everyone is out. Yes, I need guilt free me time. No laundry or dusting or other random chores glaring at me while I sit on the couch. Only time carved out as I desire, to do as I please. I simply can not wait.

Here's a link to the cottage where I will be staying and the photos of the boys' room with their new bunk beds that I promised in my last post:

http://im3.imagemaker360.com/Viewer/12.asp?id=85735

Lilacs and Lofts

2009-07-16T01:00:00.005-05:00

We have been in this house for just over two years and I have *finally* gotten the kids' situated into the bedrooms that I have wanted them in from day one. Seth has moved out of his crib and into a brand new set of bunk beds with his big brother. Miss Gwen, who has been rooming with Noah for at least a year and a half, has moved back next door to the room she was in when we first moved here. We found that it was best for Noah that Seth sleep alone and not wake him every night so we swapped.

I was nervous that Gwen was not going to adjust well to being alone again at night or that she would have separation issues from Noah, but she was thrilled to see the crib come down and to have her very own "big girl" bedroom. The room needs paint (eventually a soft pink), but it has come together nicely and my favorite part is the loft area that I finished today. I made the seat (was so proud to make my first lumber purchase ever!) and Gwen helped me make the pillows a few nights ago. The stairs were the last piece to complete the project and I put those together while dinner was cooking this evening.

I'll take pictures of the boys' room and their new beds soon. For now, here are the photo's of Gwen's room (which I absolutely adore)...

Poppin' Cherries

2009-07-10T16:31:00.006-05:00

I spent a fortune grocery shopping yesterday, but I think my splurge in the produce section was totally worth it. Everything is in season and looked so delicious. Besides our normal staples of oranges, apples and bananas, I also bought apricots, cherries, red plums, black grapes, and strawberries. I did have to practice self control, however, as the pineapples, watermelons, and nectarines were also begging for a spot in my cart and a ride home.

Oh, I also picked up some fresh sweet corn. I think I'm going to cook some of that tonight with the apple, cinnamon pork chops I just started. I must remember that there are some tasty benefits to summer the next time I am complaining about the heat and humidity.

Happy 4th of July

2009-07-04T17:08:00.007-05:00

It is raining and cold. We stood in the rain for over an hour waiting for the parade this afternoon. We are soggy, but the kids had a blast jumping in puddles, twirling umbrellas, collecting water-logged candy from the street. Today was definitely a "continue as planned for their sake" kind of day, so I'm glad they had fun.

I'm thinking tonight's plan to set off our personal firework display might have to be postponed, though. Maybe it will be better weather tomorrow night... or maybe the rain will stop in the next few hours and we can proceed as planned. We took the kids to our town fireworks show last night and Seth loved it! I kind of hope this weather clears up so I can watch him get excited and screech in delight again!

I set this blog to private today as well. I have a link to my blog on my Facebook and I don't necessarily want everyone who views my Facebook profile to be able to stalk every aspect of my online life. My last few posts were a little raw and there are definitely people in my life that I do not show those vulnerabilities in fear of what they may do with them.

That being said... I'm feeling better now that I've shaken off the doldrums. Looking forward to the rest of this summer with water parks, camping, and a few other activities slotted. We've also started planning our big Disney vacation for later this fall. Things are good, schedules are hectic, the kids are doing their slow summer burn. Life is as it should be. It may rain on my parade every once in awhile, but I'm learning not to let that spoil my fun...

Monday Minutes

2009-02-16T19:47:00.002-06:00

Ah, it is time for the summary of our weekly adventures. Do you think it is a sign of old age that I have trouble thinking back just six days ago to what we were doing with ourselves? It is probably more likely that the daily interaction with three kids is (or has been) slowly frying my brain. In any case...

This was DH's long week which always leaves me with the bulk of the responsibility of entertaining the children. The week went fine with Noah having school and his kindergarten Valentine program Tuesday evening to keep him busy. I toted the other two kids to the 'Y' with me a few times which got them out of the house and they went along with me to Noah's school program. The husband and I even managed to workout together once or twice on his off days.

The weekend was full and busy with Valentines Day to celebrate, errands, and chores, but the kids were doing a slow burn and my nerves were growing thin by Sunday evening. They were just wild (all three of them) from the moment Noah stepped off the bus Friday afternoon until I hit boiling point Sunday evening. I snapped primarily because I had a great "mommy weekend"... craft projects and coloring, the library on Saturday, I cooked a special Valentine's dinner with pink cupcakes for dessert, a trip to the 'Y' after getting the four of us to early service on Sunday... and it all seemed wasted on them.

By the time Gwen was thrown across her bedroom floor in an all out tantrum Sunday night, I was feeling completely under appreciated and majorly exhausted as I had done all of this by myself while lugging three ungratefuls along. On top of all the running around, I spent 72+ hours trying to discipline and keep my three manic munchkins in line. For whatever reason, they all seemed intent on not listening and testing their boundaries. At least they were good when we were out and about but, the minute we would cross back over our threshold, mayhem!

All of this misbehavior and frustration came to a head last night after dinner when Noah and Gwen refused to quit messing around and clean up the toy room... yet again. I finally had enough and sent them to bed about an hour and a half early which meant no Alice in Wonderland for them. This set Gwen off! All out kicking and screaming on the bedroom floor while poor Noah was curled up in his bed stuck in there with her because I think he knew I was *done* and didn't dare set foot out of his bed.

In the end, they were let out of punishment and allowed to watch the movie. Noah was out first while Gwen got a good whooping for her display. Once she calmed down (she actually claimed her "brain hurt" because she was crying so hard), I let her out for family movie night as well. I do not know when the last time I spanked any of these kids was and I always hate how it makes me feel to reach that point. Seth had also gotten spanked earlier in the afternoon for blatantly defying me... looked me right in the eye while my words were still in the air and kept beating the furniture... after I had told him to stop. Two spankings in one day after months upon months of none.

As crummy as I feel about doling out the spankings, it seems to have done the trick. The older two were both off of school today and all three of them have been playing nicely, listening, and have been much better behaved in general. I just don't understand why it takes me reaching breaking point for them to snap back into shape. *sigh* Hopefully, they won't get it into their little heads to revolt again for awhile.

Saturday Snapshots

2009-02-14T20:00:00.004-06:00

All things Valentine's...

Noah & his teacher after the kindergarten Valentine's program.

Gwen dressing Seth up in her Valentine's best.Gifts for daddy and the kids.Can you say spoiled?Heart shaped meatloaf that tasted better than the photo looks.Pink cupcakes for dessert.No one seemed to care that they weren't homemade.Leave it to Seth to make a mess!DH brought home flowers for his girls...Gwen'sMineWe're all so very loved!!!

Wednesday Write-Up

2009-02-11T21:48:00.010-06:00

No book review this week. I haven't been very motivated to start the book that has been sitting on my nightstand for the past week and a half. I need to get to it since I have to return it to the library on Monday. I could renew it I suppose, but I rarely read a book in the second two week if I didn't get to it in the first two weeks. At least that has been my pattern in the past. I did read a few chapters this evening while the kids were at church and, I have to say, it has drawn me in. If all goes well, I will be reading and reviewing this book, Blood Brothers, along with The Hollow and The Pagan Stone over the next few weeks. The three books make up Nora Robert's Sign of Seven trilogy.

Movie Review: Taken

I did manage to get to the movies this week with DH (this was before date night went bad). We had a list of movies that we were possibly interested in seeing since we didn't know exactly how long dinner would last and which time would be best. As it turned out, none of those movies worked out so we decided to give Taken a chance because it worked time wise.

I am so glad that we ended up seeing this movie. It was excellent! The storyline was fantastic, there were no slow or unnecessary scenes, and it kept me on the edge of my seat. I have nothing bad to say about this movie. It is quite simply a must see! The husband and I usually have very different tastes in movies, but Taken was a definite 'thumbs up' across the board.

Monday Minutes

2009-02-09T22:23:00.006-06:00

Let's see... What have we been up to this week? As my previous posts have indicated, I signed the family up at our local YMCA last Wednesday. We have been taking full advantage of our new membership; swimming, working out, aerobic classes, shooting hoops, and especially the childcare. Wednesday, I took the kids swimming and did a class. Friday, I did another class and DH worked out before playing a little basketball. Saturday, we both worked out (I took advantage of the free weight room introduction complete with a personal program for me to follow) and then we took the kids swimming again.

After the 'Y' on Saturday, we came home for lunch and naps before heading to the bowling alley right around the corner from our subdivision. We really should go more often since it is so convenient unlike everything else that we have to drive for. If you missed the pictures from family bowling night, you can find them here.

I spent the day with a few of my favorite girlfriends on Sunday shopping at the Premium Outlets in Aurora. I did manage to get to an earlier church service with the family before heading out for my day-o-fun two hours from home. It was a really nice day full of female bonding (we shopped for perfume, maternity clothes, handbags, all things girlie). We went out to lunch before hitting the stores and then, after shopping until the mall closed, we headed back to the house of our friend who lives in that area for a few drinks.

It has been a full week (Isn't it always?), but we were all healthy and happy and enjoyed ourselves in a myriad of different ways. I wish all of our weeks could be this wonderful and fulfilling. I am sure that we will continue to be blessed with many more fantastic days in the future and I look forward to creating and sharing each and every moment!

Saturday Snapshots

2009-02-07T20:03:00.001-06:00

We took the kids swimming at the 'Y' today and bowling this evening. It was a full day to say the least! I didn't take my camera to the pool (for obvious reasons) and I forgot it when we went bowling. I had my phone with me so I did get some pictures, although they are not of the greatest quality.

Friday Frustrations

2009-02-06T22:32:00.003-06:00

It is 10:30 at night, we are child free, and the husband and I aren't speaking. So much for date night...

Wednesday Write-Up

2009-02-04T22:23:00.005-06:00

Book Review: Mommies Who Drink by Brett Paesel

Mommies Who Drink was tossed out as a book club idea with a mom's group I used to belong to. The group never ended up reading it, but the title amused me so I kept the email as a reminder that I *might* want to look into it someday. I'm on this kick of reading more and I'm starting with the random books that I've been meaning to get to (the entire series of Harry Potter books is coming up soon on my list).

I found myself blissfully entertained by this book, yet somehow disappointed. Brett Paesel basically pieces together excerpts of her venture into "mommydom". A lot of her stories were laughable, although somewhat trite. Bottom line... I've heard it all before. Yes, there is a loss of self when you have children. It happens, it is to be expected. If it weren't for the story line with her girlfriends and their Friday bar dates, the book wouldn't have been nearly as amusing.

It is a cute book and another easy read. I wouldn't advise against reading it even though I was personally left feeling like there should have been more. The ending seemed rushed to me as well which may have added to my feeling like the story didn't really go anywhere.

Movie Review: Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

I went through a lot of "effort" in preparation for this movie. I had never seen Underworld: Evolution and vaguely remembered the first Underworld movie which I had watched more for my love of Kate Beckinsale than anything else. Don't get me wrong; I have more than a normal fascination with vampires which pretty much solidified that the first movie was simply "a must see". I decided that I needed to refresh my memory with the first movie as well as get caught up with the second so I could see the next of the Underworld movies.

The movies are kind of written backwards. The second movie explores the history of the first, while Rise of the Lycans delves even further. Evolution and Rise of the Lycans are pretty much on par with each other as far as quality, but they are both a far cry from the first movie. I absolutely loved the first Underworld and was disappointed that the next two didn't live up to the same standard of excellence. The absence of Kate Beckinsale in the third movie was a let down (at least for me) as well.

Monday Minutes

2009-02-02T20:15:00.009-06:00

A bunch of the same old, same old around here. Gwen's progress report came today and I was pleasantly surprised. She seems to struggle with us when doing "homework", but she apparently taps her store of knowledge when it counts most. I'm curious to see if she will be recommended for full day kindergarten next year or if she will only need half day.

Our big anxiety right now is over contract negotiations at DH's work. His current contract expired at 12:01am on Sunday and is now being temporarily extended in 24hr increments while the union and refineries continue their talks. The last thing we want is for this to lead to a strike. So we wait with our fingers crossed...

Only other news is that I am quiting Curves. No, I am not giving up on working out... Todd has decided he wants to start working out again so the whole family is going to join our local YMCA. It makes more sense to pay $52 a month for all of us (which includes childcare) than the $64 a month it would cost for me to stay at Curves and him to join a local gym (neither of which have childcare).

Plus, there are so many other bonuses to the 'Y'... discount rate for the swim lessons we already enroll Gwen and Noah in, we can workout together (you'll have to check with Todd if he sees this as a bonus or drawback), the hours are fantastic and I can workout whenever I want (not just when Todd is home) with the childcare, and we can take the kids swimming after our workouts. I am super excited and just hope that Seth will do okay with being left in the daycare. He refuses to be left in the church nursery, but I'm hoping having Gwen with him will help.

Saturday Snapshots

2009-01-31T16:16:00.004-06:00

I finally got tired of the robes we had for the kids... Seth was wearing pink and purple hand me downs from Gwen, Gwen was complaining that her robes were all short sleeve and I didn't like them because they were pull-overs, Noah's were faded and looked dirty no matter how many times I washed them... so I did some bargain shopping on eBay. These are quality, heavy cotton robes that easily retail for $30 each. I got them for $12 a piece including shipping. Score me! And look how happy my kids are...

Friday Frustrations

2009-01-30T21:55:00.002-06:00

Did you know it is virtually impossible to cancel a credit card? I received a replacement card in the mail the other day for my soon-to-expire card. Problem was, I had already received a replacement card about six weeks ago. After further investigation, I realized the second replacement card has a completely different account number. Turns out, this is a replacement card for an account that I had before I was married.

So I called Discover, naively believing that I would *simply* close the old account once and for all. Ha! The representative on the other end of the phone was not so willing to just let me go despite the fact that DH and I have another account with a flurry of activity. I have not used *my* account in the seven years that I have been married and, quite honestly, thought it was closed until the replacement card showed up.

After my experience this time around, I'm convinced that I did call once-upon-a-time to get this account closed and it never happened. I was warned that my FICA score could be severely impacted, that my husband's death would cause our card to be canceled leaving me with no credit (to this I replied, "I'm pretty sure you'll give me another card if and when..."), and lectured on the importance of building my own credit "just in case". After enduring all of this, I finally convinced the guy that I knew what I was asking and I still would like the account closed.

How much do you want to bet 5 years from now a shiny, new replacement card will be showing up in the mail?

Thoughts for Thursday

2009-01-29T19:45:00.002-06:00

I am sick and all I can think about is my aching bones, pounding headache, and rattling chest. Between the aches and pains and the exhaustion, I feel like I've aged a decade in the past week. I hate when my body feels older than I do.

We're out of adult cold medicine so I took a double dose of the kids'. I wish I knew more about proper dosing of medication. Too bad I didn't think to become a pharmacist; it would be nice to possess the knowledge of which medicines are safe to give the kids simultaneously without having to consult someone. Becoming a pharmacist or a doctor would have been extremely helpful as far as raising kids. Wow, can you tell we are still in the grips of cold & flu season?!

I napped for a few hours this afternoon, but I'm already worn out again and ready to call it a day. Gwen gave up and went to bed about twenty minutes ago and the boys will be in bed as soon as the movie that is in ends (about ten minutes).

As soon as the boys' heads hit their pillows, I plan on curling up under the covers with my book and reading until I pass out. I hope I can find my place in the morning and not because I drooled on the last read page. I don't think the librarian or any future checker-outers would be too thrilled with that.

Wednesday Write-Up

2009-01-28T09:59:00.016-06:00

Book Review: Me & Emma by Elizabeth Flock

I randomly picked this book up while killing time perusing the book section of my local Walmart. The back-cover summary peaked my interest and, with a sale price of $4.99, I figured I could afford to take the gamble on a book and author I had never heard of before.

I bought the book on a Tuesday afternoon and had its 400 pages devoured by Saturday evening (it helped that it was an easy read). The story was compelling, full of surprises and beautiful imagery to counter the desperate scenarios within. Me & Emma is a disturbing tale of surviving childhood through horrific circumstances; i.e. witnessing the murder of a parent, physical and sexual abuse. I would definitely recommend this powerful and emotionally riveting book.

Movie Review: Twilight

Having read all four books of the series, I simply *had* to see Twilight the movie in all of its horrible glory. I expected the movie to be terribly cheezy and destroy all of the value and character of the original book. I was surprised to find that the movie was not nearly as bad as I had anticipated. Minus, of course, the absolutely ridiculous "sparkle scene". If nothing else, that stupid scene was worth the hours of laughter and mocking afterward.

The casting of some of the characters was 'off' in my opinion. The actor playing Carlisle was entirely to young, his blonde dye-job and pasty make-up were simply atrocious. Esme didn't feel right to me either, but that might have been due to her pairing with the awkwardly cast Carlisle. I also found the portrayal of Emmet odd, though, I cannot put my finger on exactly why. I think this was more a character flaw than anything with the actual actor. Likewise, I found the character of Jasper weird but, again, I don't think this was due to the actor's being physically wrong for the part. Instead, I think it might be a reflection of his acting abilities. Rosalie, no offense to the beautiful Nikki Reed, was not nearly as breath-taking as the book had conjured her to be.

At first, I was put off by the casting of Robert Pattinson as Edward for the same reason Rosalie didn't work for me... He is simply not gorgeous enough for what the book (and my mind) conjured Edward Cullen to be. The actor's talent served him well as I quickly found myself believing this man to be Edward Cullen, putting aside my earlier perceptions.

For as many characters as I thought were poorly cast, there were just as many that I thought brilliantly played. Bella and Alice were simply perfect and everything that I had ever imagined them to be. The actors playing Charlie and Jacob were also a good fit for their roles. Overall, my opinion of Twilight the movie is that it was decent. I think the average adult can save their $$$ and wait for its release on DVD. Perhaps the theater viewings can be left to those of us adults who have invested our time reading the books along with the rest of the twelve year old girls.

Practical Pisces

'Tis the Season

Foresight

Question:

A Start to Summer

Random Ranting

Updates

Persistence

Because I am Worth It!

The Buffer

Death & Depression

Stuck: Week 8

Drum Roll Please...

VD at the Gym

Reporting In... Week 6

Packing (On) the Meat

Is that Snow or Sugar?

It's Been Four Weeks

Guilt

Ups & Downs

Week 3 Weigh-In

Day 20: New Toy

Day 19: Dinner = Ice Cream

Day 18: Still on Board

I lied.

New Discoveries

Added Insentive

Day 12

Day 11

Weight Watchers

Day 10

Cheesecake? Where have you been all of my life?!?

Day 6

Holistic Nutrition

Day 5

Day 4: Totals

Day 4: Labels

Day Three

Day Two

Resolutions

My *Poor* Children

Looking Back

Social Networking

Whaju Say?!?

Have a muffin, bitch.

Finding My Way

Tickled Pink

Why am I such an Angry Person? *Exhibit A*

I said, "Hurry Up!"

Another Day in the Life

Craving Adult Interaction... Sorta.

Bargain Bonanza

For: Sarah... and Moo & D'oh

Gwen (and Noah) on Fox News Weather Segment

All In A Day

He's Lucky He's Cute!

Always a Snag!

Planning My Escape

Lilacs and Lofts

Poppin' Cherries

Happy 4th of July

Monday Minutes

Saturday Snapshots

Wednesday Write-Up

Monday Minutes

Saturday Snapshots

Friday Frustrations

Wednesday Write-Up

Monday Minutes

Saturday Snapshots

Friday Frustrations

Thoughts for Thursday

Wednesday Write-Up

My Poor Children

Why am I such an Angry Person? Exhibit A