Looking Back

Today is a very special day because, as the birthday boy pointed out to me this morning, we have both a birthday and an anniversary to celebrate. 8 years ago today, not only did one of the most special little boys I will ever know enter the world, but that same magnificent day also marked the point in time that I would first and forever become a mommy. I think it speaks volumes that he would think beyond himself on *his* special day and remember me.

Happy birthday my sweet, sweet boy. Words cannot express how much I love you and how much I have cherished every moment of the past 8 years as your mom. Thank you for that privilege. I am truly blessed to have you in my life and to be a part of yours.

Social Networking

Anyone who knows anything about me, knows that I am socially retarded, socially awkward, socially stunted. I cannot handle people and the various forms of stupidity that comes along with them. This being said, I will now confess to participating in a a societal norm that I, in all reality, should avoid like the plague... Facebook. Oh, how I love Facebook (for all of the horribly wrong reasons). I gawk and stalk and take in all of the wonderfully unsettling drama. I can be found yelling at my monitor more often than I care to admit as I peruse the posts of others. I will drag anyone within earshot into the lives displayed before me... "Can you believe that she said that?! AGAIN?!?!"

I laugh as I realize that a friend of a friend of a friend has posted a 15 year old picture of herself before her ass tripled in size. Those of us who know her (or her friend's friend), are aware that this is a gross misrepresentation. Who is she trying to fool? Or is she still fishing for compliments based on what she used to look like? "Wow. You were hot. What happened?"

I wonder if that random woman ever realized that traffic to her site quadrupled after the wife of a friend of Husband's went on a tirade about the "inappropriate" content of her profile picture. You know we all had to go look... multiple times.

I am in awe at those people who have achieved level gazillion on Farmville. How many friends do you have feeding your goats and spreading sparkly manure on your crops? I cheated and bought some damn coins so I could expand my farm, well that and buy a Halloween costume for my farmer, but mostly to expand my farm and buy a pink tractor.

But sometimes, Facebook isn't so entertaining. Sometimes, it is down right heartbreaking. These are the times I become angry and start growling at the monitor. Angry at the hypocrisy. Angry at the neglect. Angry at the sense of entitlement that some people have, the nerve to think they deserve anything but a swift kick in the ass. Disgusted at the lies and deceit, knowing full well how certain people are passing their time, and seeing all of the lovely comments left by the unsuspecting.

I think to myself in these dark moments of social networking that perhaps I should call these individuals out. Post on my page, post it on their pages, post for the world to see that these people are FRAUDS. "Nice profile pic. Is it retro week? I missed that thread." *or* "Ummm, I think something is wrong with your profile. It keeps notifying me of a relationship status change...hourly." *or* "Wait, I thought you told me on the phone this morning that you were to hungover to drive your kid to school. Now she's home sick? Wow, you really are having a bad day."

But then common sense washes over me and I realize that I simply cannot rat people out all over Facebook. It would do more damage than good as I would be forced to start watching General Hospital or something equally as horrible since I will no longer have any more Facebook *friends* to supply infinite opportunities to judge, mock, and ridicule as needed. So I continue to lurk laughing, yelling and making Husband an unwilling participant in the insanity... on the other side of the screen.

Whaju Say?!?

The wonderfully funny Kate & Lydia over at Rants from Mommyland, are putting together a sort of dictionary of the crazy words that kids come up with called "The Lexicon of Green Tomato Minds". 6yr-old-girl is a pro at creating her own words that sound kinda like what she thought she heard. Last week her new phrase was "turtle twins"...

Turtle Twins: (noun) The kind of twins that aren't exactly alike because one has green eyes and the other has brown. *never mind that green-eyed child is a girl and brown-eyed child is a boy*

I submitted "turtle twins" for The Lexicon of Green Tomato Minds, but it didn't make the cut. Another of 6yr-old-girl's words did make the list, though...

Hooray: (noun) On the 4th of July we watch the Hooray with all of the floats and loud fire engines. People throw candy for the kids to gather.

For as long as she could talk, 6yr-old-girl has called a parade a hooray. Every time she says, "I can't wait to go watch the Hooray!", a little part of me melts over her sweetness and so I have never corrected her. I'm thrilled that Kate & Lydia found my lovely daughter's cuteness Mommyland Lexicon worthy.

**Update: Turtle Twins made it!**

Have a muffin, bitch.

3yr-old-boy has a speech delay. He struggles to communicate his needs and desires and becomes extremely frustrated when he is misunderstood. It breaks my heart daily, but he is making progress and is adding more and more (mispronounced) words to his vocabulary. I, of course, understand about 90% of what he is *trying* to say. Husband is lucky if he understands 20%. I really thought preschool would help the boy since he wouldn't have Mommy around to translate and would have to use his words more. And it has helped some, but not as much as I was hoping/expecting/needing. I'm actually starting to fear that his extremely young (have you even finished college yet?) teachers might be ignoring him instead of making the extra-extra effort to communicate with him.

I've spent the last month listening to Husband tell me that I am being hyper-sensitive while trying to convince myself that I'm really only looking to *socialize* the boy and it doesn't matter that he doesn't seem to have learned one damn thing in over two months. Something is not right, and it has been gnawing at me, but I have been doing some ignoring of my own I guess. But now there has been an incident. Two incidents, actually.

Incident #1: Husband overheard a child in my son's class tell his father that our son "is the dumbest kid in class." I cannot express the range of emotions that have ripped through me over this. I want to scream, I want to cry. To be honest, I have done both. I have chewed Husband out multiple times for not saying *something* and defending our child when really, I am just upset that I wasn't there to protect my cub. Mama Bear is still very much licking her wounds over this one.

Incident #2: My son got violently ill today at school... during Grandparents' Day... while in the POOL... as all of the grandparents watched. It was MORTIFYING to say the least. Here's the thing; I don't know why it happened since I wasn't in the pool area when disaster struck. Was it because he is sick and just couldn't make it out of the pool to the bathroom? ***OR*** Was he telling them he had to go and no one was paying attention since it takes more of an effort to listen to him? I will never know, but the fact that I would even think of the second possibility pretty much means my kid should not be entrusted to these people. And don't get me started on how MEAN the other parents were as I hosed my child down, collected our things, and did our walk of shame out of the building to the car. Sorry ladies, we really didn't have an evil plot to destroy Grandparents' Day. Here, have a muffin... I baked them myself.

So anyway, tonight I collected all of the leftover resources I have from the older two kids and I have decided that I am going to work with the boy here at home on all things preschool. I can't send him back there...Well, next week he will go for his Thanksgiving activities because I worked *really* hard on that damn vest... but after that, he is all mine. I am actually looking forward to it even if I am losing those glorious five hours a week alone that are not worth compromising my baby for. The older two kids helped me gather all of our shape, number and letter books this evening and they are super excited that I am going to be teaching their brother. I just hope little man feels the same.

Finding My Way

The kids are bathed and in bed so I decided to plop down in front of the keyboard, catch up on a few blogs that I follow, and skim Facebook. The first two entries I read were written by women in their thirties about how they still need their moms. What mystifies me is that both of their moms are actually *there* for these women. I simply cannot relate.

My mom checked out awhile ago. I have never felt close to her, have never felt that mother-daughter bond. We get along fine... as long as we keep conversation light. If I try to talk about anything of substance or (God forbid) infused with feelings, forget it. She shuts down, disengages, leaving me to ponder such things alone.

I wonder why she is like this, how she can be alright with having no connection with me other than genetics. I wonder even more how she is fine missing out on the lives of my children. I mean they know each other, they spend time together, just as she and I do, but she isn't an active participant and I just don't get that. My kids are the greatest little peeps to ever grace her life and they love their grandma despite her not really showing any real interest in us. If I were her, I would be all over them, giving them every moment I had to give.

Most of all, I wonder how much of a factor my mom's apathy will play in my own parenting. No way in hell I will ever check-out on my own kids, but I don't exactly have anything to model myself after here either. My mom was involved when I was the ages my kids are now, it was later that she lost interest. But still, I never felt close to her. Even when she was Room Mom or Troop Leader, I felt like those were parts she played, never genuine interest.

My kids know I love them. Even 8yr-old-boy still curls up in my lap and throws his arms around my neck. There exists a connection between my three and me and I will never give that up. Nothing will ever be more important than loving them, being with them, holding onto them forever. I envy those women out there with families of their own that have their mothers to turn to when they are sick, when they are scared, when they just need to feel loved because it is something that I have never known.

Above everything and anything else I can give my children in this life, the one thing that they will carry with them is *knowing* that their mom loves them and will always be here to comfort, protect, and care. I owe them (and myself) nothing less.

Tickled Pink

After 3+ years of living in this house, all of the rooms are finally painted! WooHoo! It is so strange to walk into these completed rooms now and have them actually look the way I have always envisioned them in my head. The kids are thrilled and I am so elated that I will not have to answer the question, "When are the painters coming back to do my room?" ever again!

Why am I such an Angry Person? *Exhibit A*

PART I

This is going to be long even in shortened version. It started Friday when MIL filled me in that BIL's girlfriend had joined FIL, BIL, and Husband for dinner the previous Sunday before they went to the Colts game. I did not know this. MIL did not know that I did not know this. She could see on my face that this was the first I was hearing of it and that Husband had conveniently not filled me in that their was a party crasher during the *guys* outing.

MIL is not one to try and make a situation better. In fact, she does the exact opposite. So what did she do in this situation? She planted a dark and evil thought and left it to fester in my suspicious little brain by asking just one question, "Are you sure it is just Husband and BIL going to Vegas next week?"

It took about one hour before I was on the phone tearing Husband a new one for not telling me about Girlfriend joining them for dinner and accusing him of planning indecent rendezvous for the Vegas trip. He told me he would check for sure with his brother but, as far as he knew, it was just the two of them. So he made a phone call, left a voicemail, and we waited, and waited. Red flag, my friends. BIL always returns a call or email promptly. I knew something was up.

PART II

These are the emails that took place two days later (minus all of the wonderfully hysterical commentary from Husband that kept me from truly losing my mind):

BIL to Husband:

I wanted to let you know discreetly that Girlfriend and her friend are going to Las Vegas the same time as you and I. I had already told Girlfriend that she could go before talking to you, I then told her she couldn't go which resulted in a big fight. They are flying on a different flight than us out and back and they are staying at a different hotel. You may never see them or they might gamble with us a little bit, I am not sure. Honestly, I thought I was going to be broken up with her before the trip and it almost happened yesterday, probably when we get back. Anyway I don't want it to create any problems for you.

Husband to Me:

This is a mess. I really do not know what to say. I had no idea, and this is not what I had in mind when planning a trip to Las Vegas. I just want to gamble all night/day alone while being served complimentary drinks.

I guess you are not psycho, but psychic.

So what am I suppose to do?!?

Me to BIL

Husband forwarded your email to me and all I can say is you are off your f*ing rocker if you think that I am going to sit back and let him fly cross country for a weekend in Vegas with you and two women. And I am beyond pissed about your comment about sending the email "discreetly" as it translates into nothing short of "behind your wife's back". All this for a woman you have no intention of staying with. Your brother doesn't get the travel opportunities that you do and he was really looking forward to this, but God forbid you piss off your current f*ck-buddy before you've found her replacement and take the trip without her. Maybe you should have checked with your brother (and his wife) before inviting the b*tch in the first place.

BIL to Me:

I think before you pass judgement upon me you need to understand my situation. Girlfriend, whom I have dated exclusively since May 10th (needless to say f*ck-buddy is not the right term), was mad, like you are now, when she found out I was going to Vegas with my brother. I tried to explain to her that this was a brother trip and all we would do is gamble and see comedy shows, but she didn't believe me. I thought the easiest solution was to fly her and her friend to Vegas on different flights and to have them stay in a different Hotel. That way she could feel like she was there to keep an eye on me but wasn't really traveling with us.

However, after inviting her I discussed this with the nurses at work and they told me it was a bad idea and that I shouldn't let her go. I told Girlfriend this at the end of August and she went a little crazy so I backed down and let her come.

In terms of "discreetly" I was concerned that you would get upset and irrational if you found out that my girlfriend and her friend were going to be in Vegas the same time as us so I chose to use his work e-mail so that he could find the right time and place to share the information with you.

Me to BIL:

Letting him know 48 hours before you are leaving town really doesn't give him a whole lot of opportunity to find the right moment. And it is ridiculous that the peace of mind of your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is much more important than that of your brother's *wife*.

BIL to Me:

I don't think I had any intention of letting him know that the two of them were going because I had no plans of seeing Girlfriend or her friend while in Vegas except for a booty call. He e-mailed me if Girlfriend was going on Thursday or Friday while I was away for a conference. I returned late last night and I responded to him today.

I am not going to pretend that I understand the issue of my girlfriend and her friend being in Vegas at the same time as us. I do know and acknowledge it is an issue because the married nursing staff at the hospital told me it was as well as both of you. (I understand it is a problem if the 4 of us are going to dinner and shows and clubs together but we won't and aren't.) They are on different flights and staying in a different hotel and doing different activities.

You are welcome to e-mail Girlfriend, however, she is unhappy with you characterizing her as a f*ck buddy and calling her a b*tch without ever meeting her so I think that the two of you talking is probably not a good solution.

Me to BIL:

Do you not get that it is wrong to purposely keep things from him? You must have also coached Girlfriend at dinner Sunday not to let on that she would be there. Ever heard of lies by omission? It also puts Husband in a very bad situation in Vegas when (or *if* in your fantasy world) he realizes they are their and I don't know. And the fact that you don't understand this issue might explain why being in an exclusive relationship for 4 months seems like such a milestone to you.

I have no desire to talk to Girlfriend. I have no clue why you would share my anger-induced, name calling with her in the first place. I really don't understand why "f*ck-buddy" was so offensive, yet you calling her a "booty-call" is some term of endearment. Have you shared the multiple references you have made to the relationship ending as well? Just curious if you were sharing everything spoke against her or just throwing me under the bus...

BIL to Me:

Yes, you are right, it qualifies as a lie of omission but only because we didn't break up like I thought was going to happen. I don't think that 4 months of dating is a milestone, I pointed out that we had dated this long to explain to you why calling her a "f*ck buddy" wasn't appropriate.

Las Vegas is the land of STRIPPERS, PROSTITUTES, CALL GIRLS and DRUNK PARTY GIRLS which is why I don't understand why the presence of these two girls in Vegas is an issue. If a spouse wants to cheat then the bolded options above are easily accessible and much simpler then getting entangled with a brother's girlfriend's friend.

I shared your e-mail with her because I was pissed off at her and wanted her to know the problems and stress that she had caused me by insisting on going to Vegas. I told her 2 months ago when we were discussing this trip that if she went it would be a problem. I told her then that it was a brother only trip and that all we would do is gamble. Just like you the only thing Girlfriend was concerned about was her feelings/insecurities and she insisted on going to Las Vegas or breaking up.

What neither of you ladies understands is that you have both done the same thing and are doing nothing but causing problems. It went from me being between a rock and a hard place with Girlfriend to Husband being between a rock and hard place with you. Girlfriend didn't trust me and insisted on coming to Vegas. You don't trust Husband and now and you won't let him come to Vegas. I tried to do the diplomatic thing and find some middle ground, I offered to send Girlfriend and her friend anywhere but Vegas which wasn't acceptable so then I was forced to let them come to Vegas but on different flights, at different hotels and with limited contact during the trip. So what middle ground, if any, is going to be acceptable to you?

Me to BIL:

I understand perfectly well that both Girlfriend and I have gone off the deep end over this trip. My issue is not one of trust with Husband, but the fact that YOU purposely deceived me (and your brother) to make things easier for yourself. And have continued to blah, blah, blah about why you did it with not even a hint of regret or apology. I don't care why, I care that you lied to me and were willing to put your brother in a position where he might have to lie to me, too, once he figured out that they were there.

I am not going to punish Husband because you're an ass. I am definitely not going to punish him for forwarding your email and filling me in as soon as he knew what was up. As far as I know, he was completely in the dark to the bullsh*t you were planning behind his back. You and I will probably never be right again, but as long as your booty-call is happy, I guess all is well for you.

Part III

Once Husband and BIL realized that I was not going to keep him from Vegas, the email war was over. I think Husband was a little misty eyed when I clarified that I did in fact intend on letting him go. Canceling this trip would be like taking Disney World away from a five year old the night before you're supposed to leave. Just cruel and, from what I can tell, he doesn't deserve it.

Husband left yesterday morning right after the kids got on the bus and I did my best to go about my normal day and not think of Vegas (too much). When I got home from preschool with 3yr-old-boy, I had a package on the front step from ProFlowers. I thought Husband must have sent them since I am so fabulous and let him go on a trip that no wife in her right mind would allow.

Nope. They were from BIL. Peruvian Lilies along with a note of apology and a promise of future honesty. I think this is pretty much his standard you-think-I-f*ed-up-and-I-don't-want-to-deal-with-your-rants-anymore gift, but the flowers are beautiful and they did make me smile. 6yr-old-girl asked why I got flowers and I told her, "Because Uncle BIL lied to me and he sent me flowers to say he is sorry." She looked at me then the flowers and said, "Wow, Mom. I think he's REALLY sorry." LOL

Husband called last night to check-in or whatever. To be honest, I wish he wouldn't call. I'm 99% fine with the trip and him being gone but, when he calls like that, I get paranoid that he is only calling because he is about to do something stupid and he figures I won't call him in the middle of said stupid thing since we just talked. Sigh... only three more days and we can put this whole train-wreck of a trip behind us.

So, to tie all of this together nicely... Why am I an angry person? Because when I do the right thing, no matter how much I may not like doing it, the other persons involved always have to ruin it. I agreed to the Brother's Weekend in Vegas. There are a lot of wives who wouldn't, but I did and this is the mess that I get in return. Had I not said yes months ago, I could have saved myself all of this drama, but then I would have been the over-bearing shrew of a wife. Simply put: I CAN'T WIN. And that pisses me off.