Persistence

I'm starting to feel guilty for wanting this poor bird to rebuild. Three days in a row the wind and rain have taken out her creation, yet she keeps coming back to fix the damage and add more. It was completely gone yesterday and we even swept the remnants off the front porch assuming she would give up, but she has been back at it all morning. This is the farthest she has gotten and the wind is picking up again as I type. Poor, dumb bird. I think she might be a first timer.

Part of me wants her to succeed. She has obviously got her heart set on sharing our view and coveted spot right on the bus stop, but I just don't see how a nest is going to stay balanced in that light even if the wind does let up and allow her to continue to make progress. I yelled at 8yr-old-boy when he came back for the third time in the 10 minutes since he had gone out to play that he can't keep using the front door if we want the bird to have any chance of getting a good structure laid. Yea, I might be a little to wrapped up in Momma Bird's project.

And what if she does manage to build something that will withstand that precarious building spot and the elements? Are we going to be under constant attack once she lays her eggs just trying to use the front door? Even worse, it seems the chances of a bird flying into the house when we do open the door are drastically increased. Guess if she doesn't give up and actually pulls it off, the least I can do is enforce a "through the garage" directive and restrict use of the front door until all babies have flown the coop... so to speak.

Because I am Worth It!

I have been having a rough couple of weeks. The whole family has really. We spent five fantastic days over Spring Break in Wisconsin Dells where we had tons of water park fun, stayed in a beautiful condo, kept late hours, and slept in past 10:00am almost every day. It was bliss. Unfortunately, we couldn't make Wilderness Resort our permanent residence and we've all been struggling to get back into the swing of everyday, real life since we got back.

Spring sports have started up for the older two kids, they returned to testing at school, AWANA has ended for the year which is a very sad thing for all of them, and the weather has been taunting us... one day it is 70* then, a few days later, I'm digging in the crawlspace for the winter clothes that I found the motivation to switch out the week before. Everything seems to be one step forward, two steps back and I am just worn out.

I've turned to some old friends to help me through resulting in a 7 pound weight gain since we got home from vacation (I had actually lost weight while we were gone). The booze and binging haven't quite rounded out my self prescribed solution so I've been indulging in some retail therapy as well. I've spent the last hour online shopping for a Coach handbag. I haven't found one that I'm willing to fork over hundreds of dollars for yet but, if I do, I will... because I am worth it!

I have spent a significant amount of time over the years scoffing at women who spend money on pricey, designer items. "Why would anyone spend $400 on a purse? My $15 Walmart bag is just fine." "She spent how much on her wedding gown/prom dress/daughter's Easter outfit? That's just ridiculous. I bet their credit cards are totally maxed out." I think I have figured out why this sort of spending bothers me even though it has no baring on my life what so ever. It is because, throughout my life, I have not been made to feel or believe that I, too, am worthy of such things. I've always known that it wasn't the *things* that I was jealous of, but now I see it was the mindset that I coveted.

My father raised me to be practical about every decision in life which didn't lend well to following many of my dreams, but I managed to fulfill a few including marrying an even more practical man (Starting to understand the title of this blog?). I get why it is smart to save your pennies, live within your means, minimize your debt, and I would never condone spending $400 on that purse instead of paying your rent or buying groceries for your babies, but I've also come to realize that there is a point to the occasional extravagance beyond the quality of an item or the vanity or wastefulness of the purchaser. The belief that you are *worth* such a purchase is something that I have never known, it's the part I've never understood and, if I don't understand something, it bothers me.

So I have decided it is time that I stop waiting for someone else to gift me with the validation that I crave and I am going to buy myself something nice. Really nice, actually. Not only have I been shopping designer handbags, but I am also thinking of making an appointment at a local jeweler to see about having a custom piece made with the kids' birthstones. Whatever I decide on, it will be something that I purchase simply because I want it... not because it benefits someone else and not because it was deemed appropriate or necessary. I am tired of feeling like the only value I hold is that of a thrift store bargain. If a stupid purse or piece of jewelry is going to help me feel that I am worth more than the rollback discount, so be it.

The Buffer

It has been requested that I write a new post. It is not for a lack of things to say or, more accurately, bitch about that I have been MIA (because, Lord knows, I am a rambling machine with a wealth of annoyance). This always happens when my last post was sad or depressing and... raw. It is hard for me to bounce back from one of those. Usually, I try to mask my bipolar tendencies and the roller coaster ride that I call my life. To jump right back in with a post about our fabulous Spring Break trip seemed like it would showcase those idiosyncrasies rather than hide them. And it made me feel like I was painting myself as both depressing and cranky if I wrote about any one of the infinite number of idiots surrounding me rather than write the happy family post.

I like to write, to entertain, to amuse. But, in order to do so, I have to ignore the fact that I am displaying my inner workings... the good, the bad, and the incredibly snarky. When I write something from the gut that highlights the flaws and the chaos inside my head and heart, I tend to curl up in a corner and lay low for awhile until I can compose myself again. I truly envision myself as the monster behind the mask. I see a post like my last one as me removing the mask and letting the monster that lives behind out to have her say for a moment before I hide her back away and press on.

Anyway, this explanation of my absence is meant as a sort of buffer. To be read as: We now return to our regularly scheduled programming. I hope in the coming weeks to write about where we have been, what we've been doing, and what lays ahead. It has been a kind of whirlwind of birthdays and vacationing and spring sports which has definitely eaten into the actual time I have had for blogging, but I seem to have found my footing again and the family has settled back into a rhythm (for now). So stay tuned, there is definitely more to come...

Death & Depression

My sister-in-law lost her mother yesterday. She knew it was coming, but you can never be completely prepared to let go. My heart is breaking for her on so many levels right now and it is almost unbearable for me to know her heart is suffering such a tremendous loss. This is breaking me in unexpected ways and I cannot imagine how deep her pain... the weeks (years) ahead of learning to cope and say good-bye. Some of my own suppressed emotions have bubbled to the surface over the past couple of weeks and I am trying hard to keep some pretty rotten thoughts and feelings at bay. As I grieve with and for SIL, I'm also being extremely selfish and making things (internally) about me.

We were told a little over two weeks ago that SIL's mom would be passing soon as she had made the decision to go off of dialysis. It was about this time that I started thinking about my father and his failing health. My dad is not a good man. He's not a horrible monster by any means, but he really doesn't contribute anything substantial to anything in his life or that of anyone else. It doesn't seem fair that my SIL has lost her beloved mom while my dad, who won't really be missed by anyone, lingers on... frustrating everyone, feeling sorry for himself, mooching off society, torturing the various medical personnel that care for him. So my heart is not only breaking for SIL, but it is also heavy with the guilt of thinking, "Why couldn't it have been him?"

My mom is coming home for the funeral Friday. If apathetic describes my feelings towards my father, then, I would have to define my current feelings towards my mom as all out disdain. I am beyond angry that SIL lost one of the most important relationships she will ever have, that her mother's passing is such a grievous loss, and that I will never understand what exactly that feels like. I'm angry that my mother is incapable of being a comforting maternal figure for SIL to help her though this time. Mom will simply show up, fulfill her obligations, then head back to Florida until work starts again in 5 weeks to supply her with an excuse for being too busy for us all.

Somehow, in all of this, I am grieving... and raging. Grieving for SIL and her family. Grieving for the relationships I never had with my own parents. Raging over the unfairness of it all. Wishing that I could switch places with SIL and take her hurt away. Raging that it just wouldn't matter to me. How profoundly screwed up is that? I want to look my mother in the eyes and say, "You know I will never grieve for you this way. You never took the time to be anything that I would miss." I want to hurt her, leave her as empty as she has left me. I never will, though... she doesn't care enough to ever feel anything.

Stuck: Week 8

I rocked the new diet in January and lost 21 pounds, but the scale has not budged much in February (I've stalled at the 25 pound mark). I have, however, made my way back to the gym so all is not lost. After the great debate as to where Husband and I should workout, I decided to stick with our current YMCA membership and make the best of what we already have. We have a family membership and I've been going on Saturdays with the kids so I can get a workout in and take them for the open swim. It really makes me feel like super mom!

It took me a bit to get back in the swing of exercising, but I have figured out both a routine that I can tolerate and a schedule that I'm pretty confident that I can stick with. For the longest time, I have been doing nothing but cardio and I've finally realized how much I hate cardio. I would go a few times and then give up because I loathed the idea of getting back on the treadmill. Over the past couple of weeks, I've discovered how much I enjoy strength training. I know the cardio workout is important so I've been doing 15 minutes on the treadmill before hitting the weight room for 45 minutes and then I finish up with 15 more minutes on the treadmill. It has made a world of difference only having to survive 15 minutes of cardio at a time. I actually get annoyed with having to let my muscles rest for two days before working out again.

I'm getting stronger. I'm lifting more weight in most areas, though my upper body is still so weak and I'm struggling to add any weight to my arm exercises. I've also increased my speed on the treadmill by .7 mph which is a huge accomplishment for me. Part of the reason I hate the cardio workouts so much is because I get winded so easily. My lung capacity is expanding, my heart is getting stronger, and I finally feel the results of quitting smoking for the first time in 7+ months. I've even forgotten my inhaler the last couple of times I've packed my gym bag because it simply isn't a necessity anymore.

I'm hoping to get it all together in the coming month. I know I can eat better and succeed at losing weight through dieting. I'm loving how my workouts are empowering me, and how accomplished I feel sticking with the new routine and pushing myself further than I've ever gone. I want to make up for the lost weeks of February in March... spring is just around the corner and summer will be here before I know it. I refuse to spend another summer uncomfortable in everything I wear. Truthfully, no matter what the season or what I've worn, nothing has ever sufficiently covered up the *me* that I so desperately try to hide. I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to be comfortable with who I am and I simply can't in this body that I currently occupy.

Drum Roll Please...

I just got back from a killer workout at the gym followed by swimming with the kids. Before the insanity of a morning filled with trying to get everything done so we could head out the door, I tentatively stepped on the scale for my weekly weigh-in. I lost another pound. I posted last week that I would be happy just maintaining this week with Valentine's plans and the like, but I actually managed to lose that little bit more. I'm not thrilled with just a pound, but what this pound accomplishes is pretty awesome... I have officially lost 25 pounds since the first of the year. Technically 30 pounds if you count the five I gained a couple weeks back and had to lose again.

Milestones like this our real motivators for me. If I hadn't reached the 25 pound mark today, I think there is a good chance I would have bailed on my workout this morning and probably swimming since I wasn't already there to take the kids. Let's just hope that it doesn't take me four whole days to recuperate from this workout. I did the exact same workout on Valentine's Day and was too sore until today to attempt it again. Husband says it will get easier. I'm going to trust his expertise as I discovered this morning that, in the two years since we joined the 'Y', I have only used the weight room about a dozen times which renders me pretty much clueless in the realm of strength training. I want to use the weight room at least ten more times by the end of March so I can say that I've gone two dozen times in two years. Hey, once a month does not sound nearly as bad as every other month. That's the story I'm sticking with anyway.

VD at the Gym

Get your head out of the gutter! There is no personal trainer at our local YMCA spreading disease. Sorry to disappoint if you were hoping for a juicy scandal...

Husband and I celebrated Valentine's Day a day late this year because our kids had obligations on the actual day and, well, duty called. So we scheduled the in-laws to babysit the following day. They descended on our house yesterday a few minutes before preschool let out which allowed us to make our escape right after I threw a quick lunch together for 3yr-old-boy.

There had been much debate about what we were going to do and where we were going to go during our four hour hiatus. All of the indecisiveness stemmed from the "great gym debate" that I mentioned in my last post. For two years, I have longed to join the *other* YMCA. When we first joined our YMCA, the other one was in the process of being built. Since construction ended, I have drooled and pined over the magnificence of this brand new facility. Everything about it is bigger and better... including the cost.

The other 'Y' is further away from us and costs $18 more a month. Swim lessons for the kids cost more for half the amount of classes that our current 'Y' offers. So, as much as I would love to attend the *free* cycling classes and not be charged above the cost of my membership like our current location, and as much as I would love to drop my kids in the beautiful new child care areas or youth gym while I workout, I will never be able to justify the added expense. The whole situation turns me into a spoiled brat and I kind of freaked out about it right before our date yesterday.

The plan was to checkout the *other* YMCA again to see if it is as wonderful as I remember from the last time we checked it out. I then realized that it probably *is* just as fabulous as I remember it, but that I was going to draw the exact same conclusion as last time... that it is not worth the extra drive and cost... and I was going to end up just as disappointed as I was the last time we went. Probably not the mood I wanted to set for my Valentine's outing with Husband. So I stomped my feet, threw a tantrum, and moved on.

Instead of visiting the oh-so-perfect-too-far-away-too-expensive other 'Y', we went to our current does-the-job-but-man-it-needs-a-remodel-and-free-cycle-classes 'Y'. I don't know if it was because I am angry that I simply can't justify what I want or if I was just determined to make use of what I have, but I pushed myself in that workout harder than I have ever pushed. I pushed myself until I thought I was going to puke and then pushed harder. I typically hate working out, but this time it felt good. Maybe I just haven't been working hard enough in the past and I've actually been bored. Yesterday was a challenge and I rocked it!

We followed up our workouts with lunch and we were good about our food choices. Husband had suggested my favorite restaurant, but I turned it down knowing that the reason it has been my favorite restaurant is because of one dish that I no longer have any business eating... ever again. The meal has got to easily be double my current daily calorie intake. We ended up at Applebee's because of the Weight Watcher selections and the new "under 550 calorie" menu options. Not the most romantic venue, but we were kid free and that is good enough in itself!

Just as a side note: If you know of any other restaurants that offer low calorie menu items and list the calorie content (I do not like guess work), please, let me know. I can eat the same thing over and over, but I think Husband will get sick of Applebee's after awhile. Variety, even if it is only one other option, would help.