I have been having a rough couple of weeks. The whole family has really. We spent five fantastic days over Spring Break in Wisconsin Dells where we had tons of water park fun, stayed in a beautiful condo, kept late hours, and slept in past 10:00am almost every day. It was bliss. Unfortunately, we couldn't make Wilderness Resort our permanent residence and we've all been struggling to get back into the swing of everyday, real life since we got back.
Spring sports have started up for the older two kids, they returned to testing at school, AWANA has ended for the year which is a very sad thing for all of them, and the weather has been taunting us... one day it is 70* then, a few days later, I'm digging in the crawlspace for the winter clothes that I found the motivation to switch out the week before. Everything seems to be one step forward, two steps back and I am just worn out.
I've turned to some old friends to help me through resulting in a 7 pound weight gain since we got home from vacation (I had actually lost weight while we were gone). The booze and binging haven't quite rounded out my self prescribed solution so I've been indulging in some retail therapy as well. I've spent the last hour online shopping for a Coach handbag. I haven't found one that I'm willing to fork over hundreds of dollars for yet but, if I do, I will... because I am worth it!
I have spent a significant amount of time over the years scoffing at women who spend money on pricey, designer items. "Why would anyone spend $400 on a purse? My $15 Walmart bag is just fine." "She spent how much on her wedding gown/prom dress/daughter's Easter outfit? That's just ridiculous. I bet their credit cards are totally maxed out." I think I have figured out why this sort of spending bothers me even though it has no baring on my life what so ever. It is because, throughout my life, I have not been made to feel or believe that I, too, am worthy of such things. I've always known that it wasn't the *things* that I was jealous of, but now I see it was the mindset that I coveted.
My father raised me to be practical about every decision in life which didn't lend well to following many of my dreams, but I managed to fulfill a few including marrying an even more practical man (Starting to understand the title of this blog?). I get why it is smart to save your pennies, live within your means, minimize your debt, and I would never condone spending $400 on that purse instead of paying your rent or buying groceries for your babies, but I've also come to realize that there is a point to the occasional extravagance beyond the quality of an item or the vanity or wastefulness of the purchaser. The belief that you are *worth* such a purchase is something that I have never known, it's the part I've never understood and, if I don't understand something, it bothers me.
So I have decided it is time that I stop waiting for someone else to gift me with the validation that I crave and I am going to buy myself something nice. Really nice, actually. Not only have I been shopping designer handbags, but I am also thinking of making an appointment at a local jeweler to see about having a custom piece made with the kids' birthstones. Whatever I decide on, it will be something that I purchase simply because I want it... not because it benefits someone else and not because it was deemed appropriate or necessary. I am tired of feeling like the only value I hold is that of a thrift store bargain. If a stupid purse or piece of jewelry is going to help me feel that I am worth more than the rollback discount, so be it.