October 5, 2010

Finding My Way

The kids are bathed and in bed so I decided to plop down in front of the keyboard, catch up on a few blogs that I follow, and skim Facebook. The first two entries I read were written by women in their thirties about how they still need their moms. What mystifies me is that both of their moms are actually *there* for these women. I simply cannot relate.

My mom checked out awhile ago. I have never felt close to her, have never felt that mother-daughter bond. We get along fine... as long as we keep conversation light. If I try to talk about anything of substance or (God forbid) infused with feelings, forget it. She shuts down, disengages, leaving me to ponder such things alone.

I wonder why she is like this, how she can be alright with having no connection with me other than genetics. I wonder even more how she is fine missing out on the lives of my children. I mean they know each other, they spend time together, just as she and I do, but she isn't an active participant and I just don't get that. My kids are the greatest little peeps to ever grace her life and they love their grandma despite her not really showing any real interest in us. If I were her, I would be all over them, giving them every moment I had to give.

Most of all, I wonder how much of a factor my mom's apathy will play in my own parenting. No way in hell I will ever check-out on my own kids, but I don't exactly have anything to model myself after here either. My mom was involved when I was the ages my kids are now, it was later that she lost interest. But still, I never felt close to her. Even when she was Room Mom or Troop Leader, I felt like those were parts she played, never genuine interest.

My kids know I love them. Even 8yr-old-boy still curls up in my lap and throws his arms around my neck. There exists a connection between my three and me and I will never give that up. Nothing will ever be more important than loving them, being with them, holding onto them forever. I envy those women out there with families of their own that have their mothers to turn to when they are sick, when they are scared, when they just need to feel loved because it is something that I have never known.

Above everything and anything else I can give my children in this life, the one thing that they will carry with them is *knowing* that their mom loves them and will always be here to comfort, protect, and care. I owe them (and myself) nothing less.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, you know I can well relate to this one! Though I don't even have the acquaintance level mother.

    It is hard and as a mother I wish more than anything that I, too, had a mother (like us).