January 29, 2011

It's Been Four Weeks

Four weeks ago today, I decided to change my horrible relationship with food. I'm not sure I've conquered the addiction as of yet; that will probably be a struggle for the rest of my life. There is, however, a good chance that I have a new addiction on the other end of the food obsession spectrum. I am addicted to playing the "game" of staying within my allotted calories while trying to maintain the proper carb/protein/fat ratios for the day.

This new addiction has driven me to do some crazy things. Like actually measuring out a serving of ice cream instead of just eating out of the carton and wondering where it all went 30 minutes later. Or the fact that I find myself cooking two meals in *one* evening... one for Husband and the kids and one for me. I loathe cooking. Don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty good cook. I just find no satisfaction in doing it. I think it's some bizarre manifestation of my terrible food habits. The things that I like to eat, the kids hate. So I end up cooking crap which just makes me feel like crap from eating it and for feeding garbage to my kids... constantly.

Through discovering how piss poor my own diet actually was (Did I ever eat any protein before this?), I have begun to make small changes in what my kids eat. I'm more conscious of making sure that every meal contains a source of protein served along side either a fruit or veggie. I feel better knowing that they are eating just a little bit better and that it's not all carbs all the time. I don't want them to grow up with the same weight/food struggles that I have battled all of my life.

The kids realize that most nights I eat different meals than they do. Sometimes they'll have a side of mac & cheese while I eat black beans, other nights our meals are completely different... last night I made them chicken parmesan with whole wheat pasta while I ate red potatoes with ground beef and salsa... and they get it. They understand that mom is "trying to get healthy". I have stressed the healthy part because I don't want them to obsess about their weight (or my weight) and I simply refuse to let the word "fat" become part of our everyday vocabulary just like the word "stupid" is a bad word in our house.

Anyway, these baby steps are making an impact not only on my life, but the lives of my whole family. My kids are eating healthier and are witnessing my efforts to overcome my food issues. I hope that, as time goes on, they will want to incorporate more of my new diet into their own... or that I will find the courage to implement the changes for them. It is already making a difference in my life. I weighed in this morning and I have lost another 3.5 pounds this week. That makes my total weight loss 21 pounds in four weeks. I have also shaved 3.7 off my BMI since the first of the year.

I feel good, I feel strong. I feel like I can do this not just short term, but for the long haul. I am sick and tired of yo-yoing 60+ pounds every couple of years. I am hoping that this can be a permanent change and that I have the same success that I did with last year's resolution to quit smoking. I recently reached the six month mark on that one and I honestly never thought I would kick that addiction. I guess anything is possible.

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